How do I get my ex back?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 6, 2011 - 7:00 AM
Be honest. Are you still holding out hope that your ex may one day come back, sweep you off your feet, give you everything you ever wanted, and radically change everything about himself that didn’t work in your relationship? From getting his act together financially to learning how to be emotionally available 24/7 to loudly and proudly proclaiming his love for you to everyone he knows, are you putting your future on hold, praying for a miracle? Have you put in a good effort in your post-breakup recovery, even going so far as to create a cute online dating profile, go out on a few first dates, but deep down, you’re waiting for the phone to ring or your ex to show up on your front door step with flowers and a marriage proposal?
Remember, I said be honest.
The good news is you wouldn’t be the first woman in history to put her fabulous future on hold in hopes that with a little time, distance, and perspective, her ex would magically discover the error of his ways, come running back, and together, they live happily ever after.
The bad news is that while you’re fantasizing about your happily ever after reunion with your ex, he’s moving on without you. He’s dating other women. Even if he’s still calling you.
And yes, even if he’s still sleeping with you.
One of the reasons I wrote my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him is because once upon a time, I was hung up on my ex. I kept sleeping with him — for a year after our final breakup! And guess what? I was miserable. I also scared away from really great guys during that year because I was so emotionally hung up on my ex.
While I have since rewritten my happily ever after story with my husband, I have made it my mission to help single women break free of their death grip on the past and step fearlessly into their unknown futures.
While it’s debatable whether or not men and women are actually from different planets, as John Gray would have us believe, the painful truth is this: Men and women handle breakups differently. Yes, we both mourn in our own way. Yes, we both feel grief, loss, disappointment in our own way. But men can stay connected to their ex throughout their recovery and still move on while women cannot.
And while some couples do part ways, recognize the error of their ways, and reunite to create a brand new healthy, happy future, the more realistic reality is that while you’re snuggling in your ex’s arms after yet another night of late night passion (also known as the post-breakup booty call), he’s still moving on with his life. He’s still making other plans. He’s still dating other people. And while he likes the comfort of falling back into bed with you, he still believes you’re broken up for good because, well, you are.
If any of the above rings true, don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re the exception to the rule. If you’re reading this book, you’re looking for answers. And I’m going to give them to you whether you really want to hear them or not.
If the bestselling book and blockbuster movie He’s Just Not That Into You taught us anything, it’s that you’re not the exception. You’re the rule.
Let me clarify that. If you’re still in constant communication with your ex, calling, emailing, texting, enjoying the occasional or frequent reunion between the sheets, stop. This is not a sign you’re getting back together. It’s not even a sign he’s still in love with you. While you may still be madly in love with him, he’s moving on without you. You’re his emotional airbag, providing support and security as he slowly but surely re-enters the dating world. It doesn’t work in reverse. He’s not your airbag. He’s the accident waiting to happen that will destroy you (which is exactly how you’ll feel when you discover he’s dating someone else). The really infuriating part? He’s not even leading you on! You’re leading yourself on.
How? By silently agreeing to stay connected. By giving him your body, thinking he’s giving you his heart. By taking his calls, thinking that means you’re the only woman he’s talking to these days. And even if you are right this minute, who’s to say he won’t meet someone tomorrow, continue to see both of you until things get serious with the other woman, and then one day he’ll show up on your doorstep, hand you a box of things you left at his place, and tell you he’s madly in love with the new lady in his life and they’re engaged. Ouch!
I know disconnecting from your ex isn’t easy. I know it’s scary to let go and walk away from your past when your future hasn’t quite shown up yet.
Here’s the truth. Your future can’t show up if you’re hung up on your past. Plain and simple, give yourself permission to let go of your ex and start moving on, starting today.
For help, pick up my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
And share your story with me by leaving a comment on the blog. Good luck and happy healing!
Breaking Up Your Finances: How to Untangle Your Lives After Heartbreak
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 3, 2011 - 7:00 AM
Breakups aren’t just about the end of a romantic pairing. There are numerous financial, legal, and business decisions that may need to be addressed. If you and your ex share bank accounts or other assets, you’ll need to come to an agreement about how to divide the money/other assets and then contact the relevant banking/other institution(s) to find out how to legally proceed. Again, it’s important to keep a level head about these things and not act out of anger, spite, or bitterness. These are financial decisions. Respect yourself as well as your ex, and be fair throughout the process (no matter how much you want to punch him in the face!).
You may also need to identify others ways your lives became intertwined. Car insurance, health insurance, retirement plans, credit cards, personal loans, household bills, etc. These are all potential accounts and/or policies that you and your ex may currently share. When you breakup, it’s essential that you remove the other person from each and every one of these items. If you don’t, one or more of the following scenarios could come back to haunt you in the future:
- You get turned down for a home or car loan because your ex, still attached to an account you shared while you were together, negatively affected your credit.
- Because you never removed your name (or your ex’s) from an account, a collection agency comes after you for a debt your ex never paid.
- By not taking your ex off your health insurance policy, you become financially responsible (and ultimately financially drained) for a medical emergency they encounter weeks, months, years down the road.
- If you die in an accident and haven’t changed the beneficiary on your assets (your home, retirement plan, savings account), your ex can possibly claim those assets, leaving a rightful heir with nothing.
As uncomfortable as conversations about money, property, and other assets can be when going through a breakup, you must have these difficult discussions if they apply to you and your ex’s situation. Do your best to broach the subject with fairness and compassion, and insist that your ex does the same. Obviously, the situation becomes stickier if and when one of you uses the unresolved issues as a way to seek revenge, hold on to the other person, or prolong the separation process. If you feel that things are getting out of control, you may need to involve a mediator. Trust your gut about the situation and proceed with the necessary caution.
Need help navigating the tricky terrain of breakups and money? Pick up copies of my books
It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
And leave a comment about how you’re handling the splitting of assets with your ex.
Breaking Up, Facebook Style: Top 5 Mistakes People Make Following A Breakup
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on May 31, 2011 - 7:00 AM
There’s no denying it. Breaking up is oh-so hard to do, especially in today’s 24-hour techno-savvy world of Facebook, Twitter, and post-breakup booty calls arranged via sex-ting. If you’re nursing a broken heart, be sure to avoid these emotionally costly social networking mistakes…
Heartbreak Mistake #1: Do NOT stay connected to your ex on Facebook and Twitter
Yes, social networking has made keeping up with friends both near and far incredibly easy and convenient. What it’s also done is make healing a broken heart excruciatingly difficult. Whereas once upon a time, we risked getting caught if we drove by our ex’s house or dialed his digits and hung up when he answered, in today’s techno-savvy world we can cyberstalk our ex in our pajamas, from the safe glow of our computer screens, at 3 a.m. If you find yourself lurking on your ex’s social networking pages, keeping tabs on who he’s talking to and what he’s doing, you may need an intervention from your Boohoo Crew. Seriously, call one of them immediately and have them come over to exorcise your ex from your online life.
Heartbreak Mistake #2: Do NOT blog about the breakup on Facebook and Twitter
Okay, so maybe you’ve removed your ex from your face book friends. Now you’re in a new phase of post-breakup rage, a.k.a. ranting about your ex online to anyone who will listen/read. Here’s the problem with doing this. Breakup karma is a bitch. It will come around and smack you upside the head. Maybe not today, maybe not this year, but one day in the not-too-distant future you will be dating somebody new. Things will be going really well. And then he’ll discover your online rants about your ex, label you a psycho, and delete you from HIS Facebook friends. Do you really want to earn a reputation as the scary chick who goes off on her ex online? I didn’t think so.
Heartbreak Mistake #3: Do NOT expect your social network to take sides
Chances are, you’ve got a few hundred or a few thousand cyber friends. Let’s be clear. Cyber friends are not the same as real friends. Do not ask your cyber friends to take sides in your breakup. It’s childish, unreasonable, and makes you look incredibly petty. Instead, reach out to your Boohoo Crew. They’re allowed to take your side. In fact, invite them over for a night of ex bashing, blaming, and shaming in the comfort of your own home. You’re allowed to wallow. Just don’t do it online to your faux friends.
Heartbreak Mistake #4: Do NOT engage in e-venge
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And a scorned woman with 24/7 access to the internet? There’s no telling the damage she can do! But before you send your ex a computer virus, hack into his email and delete everything, or IM his boss with inappropriate inuendos, stop. Step away from the keyboard. And remember that while revenge fantasies are sweet, revenge realities can come with serious consequences. Just don’t do it.
Heartbreak Mistake #5: Don’t forget to password protect yourself
After a breakup, it’s essential to your online and offline security to change all of your passwords. You don’t want an angry ex lurking in your email, logging into your online banking, and wreaking havoc with your cyber security. Right here and now, password protect yourself by updating all your online passwords. You’ll thank me later!
So there you have it. The top 5 costly social networking mistakes following heartbreak. If you’re nursing a broken heart, be sure to protect your online security, maintain your dignity, and disconnect from your ex as much as possible.
Want more tips about how to ex-orcise your ex, heal your heart, and move on, get my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
Got a question for me? Want to know how to heal your heart in record time? Email ask@lisasteadman.com.
It’s A Breakup, Not A Breakdown: How to heal your heart in just 21 days
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on May 30, 2011 - 7:00 AM
Conventional wisdom says it takes just 21 days to establish a new habit. So what if that new habit involves getting over a breakup? Is it possible to exorcise your ex, clear your head, and heal your heart in just 3 weeks? In my workbook It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him, I walk you step by step through your breakup recovery. Here’s a day-by-day breakdown of the fun, fearlessness, and fabulousness you’ll experience:
Day 1: Throw a pity party for one
Turn off your cell, call in sick to work, and slip into your best PJs (No sweats for you, Sister. You’re pining away in style!). Stock up on chocolate, Cheetos, and Kleenex. Spend the day crying, emotionally eating, and watching Sex & the City reruns. Go ahead — give yourself permission to embrace your inner drama queen!
Day 2: Live in denial for a day
Okay, you’ve had a good cry and the breakup still stings. Before you announce your breakup to the world, spend a day in denial. Pretend the breakup never happened. Act as if your ex never gave you the ax (or vice versa). Better yet — pretend your ex never existed!
Day 3: Delete your ex from your online (and offline) life
Like it or not, the breakup did happen and unfortunately your ex still exists. Today’s the day to build an impenetrable fortress around your heart so that your ex cannot break it again. Delete his phone number from your cell phone, his email address from your contacts, his profile from all your social networking sites. And if he calls, emails, or stops by to check up on you? Screen that call, delete his email (without even reading it), and hide under the covers, pretending nobody’s home.
Day 4: Widow for a day
Now that your ex is out of your life, it’s time to mourn the death of your relationship. Go ahead, Girl. Slip into your finest black ensemble, open a new box of tissues, and let the waterworks begin. Today, you’re writing a last will and testament (bequeathing his morning breath to him while keeping your joint CD collection), performing a eulogy, and dancing on your ex’s freshly dug grave!
Day 5: Get mad
You’ve had time to mourn the bastard. Now it’s time to shake off the gloom and get pissed. If you’re up to it, gather your girlfriends and throw an ex-boyfriend bash complete with photo burning, letter ripping, voodoo doll torture, etc. Or, if you’d rather get pissed in private, throw a solo ex b.f. bash. It’s your prerogative!
Day 6: Get bitter, then get better
At this delicate post-breakup stage, bitterness is your new best friend. By being bitter, you’re harnessing your pain and using it for good, i.e. exorcising your ex. If you haven’t already, start journaling and/or blogging about the breakup. Go ahead – get in touch with your breakup bitterness!
Day 7: Get even
And because nothing helps a girl through her post-breakup pain quite like getting even, it’s time to start scheming. Make a list of all your ex’s dirty little secrets and plot various ways to expose them. Put your pinky to your lips and let out an evil cackle as you indulge in fantasies about how your ex’s life will be ruined once you’ve spilled his secrets. (Don’t worry – you won’t actually engage any of these risky revenge fantasies!)
Day 8: Announce your breakup
Now that you’re in touch with your post-breakup rage, it’s time to tell the world all the dishy details. Call and/or email your friends and vent about your ex and the breakup. Don’t stop there — go online and update your social networking profile(s) with your newly single status. You can even let off some steam by sharing your story on a breakup message board. This is one time when airing your dirty laundry in public is the right thing to do (just don’t name names!).
Day 9: Disappear for a day
Just as you wish your ex would disappear, today’s the day to create your own missing persons report. Call in sick to work, pack a backpack full of goodies, and get lost for the day — without your cell phone. From getting back to nature with a day at the beach, lake, or park to museum or movie hopping, pick an activity that soothes your soul and then get lost.
Day 10: Reclaim your space
Now that you’re getting used to the idea that the breakup actually happened, it’s time to exorcise your ex from your home. You’ll want to make a clean sweep, gathering any remaining evidence of his existence (photos, clothes, shampoo, etc.). Put all his leftover stuff in a box and put the box in your car. You can decide later whether to burn it, donate it, or sell it on eBay. Once the exorcism is complete, it’s time to give your home a much-needed makeover. Paint the walls vibrant colors, rearrange the furniture, celebrate your inner girly girl!
Day 11: The Halfway Hump Slump
Now that you’re halfway through your detox, you may be feeling a little disoriented. Today’s the day to identify any remaining toxins in your system, as well as make a plan for purging the leftover demons.
Day 12: Dump your slump
Channel your inner super heroine and dump that post-breakup slump! Say sayonara to the past and yes to your fab future, sans What’s his name. Whether you know it or not, your reinvention is under way!
Day 13: Take a flying leap
Remember that fabulously fun and fierce girl your ex fell in love with? Now’s the time to reconnect with her. Look in the mirror and just say hi. Ask her how she’s doing. Find out what she feels like doing today and then no matter how self-indulgent it is, do it. It’s time to take that flying leap into your future!
Day 14: Plan a girl getaway
The absolute best thing about going through a breakup is the opportunity to reconnect with old friends. After all, boyfriends come and go but girlfriends are forever. And now’s the time to celebrate your girlfriends with a Girl Getaway or Ladies Night out — you decide. Wherever you end up going, give yourself permission to be a little risqué. Wear something revealing. Flirt with a total stranger. Tip your waiter 25% AND slip him your phone number. Behaving inappropriately for a night can be so liberating!
Day 15: Get a post-breakup makeover
Right about now you just might feel like you’re hitting your saucy post-breakup stride. If so, fabulous! If not, don’t despair. Today’s the day to celebrate your resilience by getting a much-needed movin’ on makeover. Get glam with a new cut, color, & highlights. Stop by your fave boutique and shop til you drop. Make an appointment at the makeup counter and get a new look.
Day 16: Reinvent yourself
Whether you know it or not, a brand-new you is emerging. It’s up to you to make room for her transformation. Today’s the day to let down your hair, shake your inner goddess loose, and let the REAL reinvention begin!
Day 17: Shake up your routine
Even though your ex is long gone, memories of him may still linger. Now’s the time to shake up your routine in hopes of shaking those memories loose. Take a different route to and from work today. Shop at a different grocery store for a day. Get your latte at a new coffee place. It’s time to shake things up as you ease into movin’ on mode!
Day 18: Start a healthy new habit
Since the split, you’ve been getting healthier by the day. Today is no exception. In fact, you’re gonna rock it even harder today by starting a healthy new habit. Whether it’s eating more vegetables, getting back to the gym, quitting smoking, or practicing positive affirmations, today’s the day to introduce a healthy new habit to your daily routine.
Day 19: Enroll in Single U
While it may be too soon to start searching for your next great love, it’s never too soon to embrace successful singledom. Sign up for a singles event. Enlist a friend to take some cute pics of you and then create your online dating profile. Flirt with a cute stranger today. Do whatever it takes to remind yourself that you’re still lovable and desirable.
Day 20: An ex marks the plot
Now that you’ve got a little breakup perspective, are you able to see how life after Mr. Ex is going to be so much sweeter? You have a better idea of what you’re looking for in a future partner, you now know what you won’t put up with, and you’ve probably even thought about new directions you’d like to pursue now that you’re on your own again.
Day 21: Celebrate your success
After 21 days, do you feel lighter, stronger, healthier? Now is the time to celebrate by throwing yourself a fabulous movin’ on party. Invite your Boo-hoo Crew-turned-Woo-hoo Crew and party like it’s 2009!
Got questions about how you can heal your heart in just 21 days? Email ask@lisasteadman.com.
Reconnect with the Ex? What You Need To Know Before You Give It Another Go
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on May 29, 2011 - 7:00 AM
After a relationship ends, it’s all too easy to second-guess the decision to split up. And while reconsidering doesn’t necessarily mean you should reunite, what happens if you and your ex DO decide you’d like to give the relationship another go? Maybe the time away from one another has shown you the error of your ways. Perhaps you’ve each had time to assess what went wrong and are now committed to a fresh start. Before you make the decision to reunite, review the following important factors. And revisit the benefits of bouncing back after a breakup.
1. Make sure you’re reuniting for the right reasons
Before you and your ex give Your Relationship, Part Two the green light, you’ll want to double check your intentions. Are you interested in getting back together because you love, respect, and genuinely want to make the relationship work, or are you simply lonely, confused, scared, or, worse, you just don’t like the dating prospects you’ve met so far as a savvy single? Worse still, have you discovered that your ex is moving on before you are and instead of letting them go, you now want to hold on for dear life? Before you make a hasty decision the two of you could live to regret, it’s essential that you both identify your reasons for reuniting. Do NOT reunite out of fear, scarcity, or loneliness. Those are natural reactions to a breakup. They are NOT signs you should get back together with your ex, nor are they signs that your ex was The One. Both of you need to believe that the relationship is worth salvaging and that you can make it work. Then – and only then – should you resuscitate your relationship.
2. Understand the odds against you
After the breakup, you may have put your ex on a pedestal, remembering the relationship through rose colored glasses. If you’ve got reuniting on your mind, you should know that the odds are stacked against you. After all, your relationship probably ended for a good reason. Reuniting won’t automatically fix what was wrong in the first place. The reality is, there were issues, problems, and traits your ex possessed that probably drove you nuts. Right about now, you may be in denial about that. But rest assured, once you reunite, those frustrations, annoyances, and/or challenges will come rushing back. And unless you and your ex find new approaches to dealing with old habits and patterns, you could easily end up exactly where you left off — at each other’s throats and ultimately broken up. Having said that, just because the odds aren’t in your favor does not mean you shouldn’t give the relationship another chance. You just need to be aware of the challenges involved — and the odds of success — in reviving a once-dead relationship.
3. Be willing to leave the past behind
Regardless of why you broke up in the past, if you and your ex intend to reunite, you’ve both got to be willing to leave the past behind. That doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting the past, but forgiving is essential. Otherwise, you’re doomed to relationship failure. If somebody cheated, lied, and/or betrayed the other one in any way, both partners have to be willing to forgive and make a fresh start. It’s the only way to make your second chance successful. Before you give the relationship another go, you need to have an honest and open conversation about whether or not the two of you can forgive one another. It may not be a fun conversation, but it’s an essential one to your future relationship success.
4. It takes two to tango (and make it work)
If you’ve assessed the reasons why you want to reunite, have weighed the odds against you, and still want to get back together, you need to make sure your ex is on the same page. This may be a difficult discussion to broach, but it’s a necessary one if you want to have a future together. After all, it takes two to tango, and both partners have to be equally committed to the dance. You won’t know until you sit down and have that honest and open conversation. You may not like the outcome, as the two of you may not see eye to eye about your future together. But it’s better to address the issues now and go your separate ways, than reunite and get your heart broken all over again.
Reviving a relationship with your ex can be tricky, but it’s not impossible. You both need to be equally committed, willing to forgive, and able to reconnect from a place of love and respect. While the odds may seem stacked against you, if you give it your best efforts, you may enjoy a healthier and happier relationship the second time around.
When in doubt, grab a copy of my breakup survival guides It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
And share YOUR stories of how reconnecting with your ex did or didn’t work out.
Boohoo Crew 101: After A Breakup, Ditch Your Ex And Call In The Professionals!
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on May 28, 2011 - 10:01 PM
To successfully survive and thrive after a breakup, savvy breakup survivors know that they can’t heal and move on without a little help from their friends. And that’s where the Boohoo Crew comes in. Part cheerleader, part therapist, your Boohoo Crew should be reliable, patient, and consist of at least three friends for round-the-clock supervision and support.
The role of the Boohoo Crew is to provide the following:
- A shoulder to cry on
- A voice of reason
- Damage control (in case you get the urge to contact your ex)
- The bright side
Tips for assembling the perfect Boohoo Crew
Not everyone’s cut out to be a Boohoo Crew member. It’s important to recruit only those friends who are up to the challenge. While assembling your crew, keep the following considerations in mind:
- Include only those friends who are loving and supportive.
- Exclude any so-called friends who might say things like “I told you so,” brag about their own relationship, or ask if they can call your ex (in fact, dump these “friends” immediately!).
- Do not include any mutual friends who might report back to your ex on your progress (and/or dish about your setbacks).
The Boohoo Crew code of honor
During your slump, your Boohoo Crew should be available 24/7. It may sound like a tremendous commitment, but that’s what friends are for. You’d do it for them (if you haven’t already). And let’s face it: There are times in life when you have to sleep in shifts. This just happens to be one of those times.
There are also going to be times when you’ll obsess about your ex, times when you’ll want your ex back, and times when all you can think about is picking up the phone and calling your ex. These are the times when you should rely on your Boohoo Crew for support. You’ll want to choose friends who know you well enough to know when you need comfort versus when you need a kick in the pants. Friends who can remind you of the nitpicky negative things you once said about your ex that you’re going to forget when you’re wishing you two were still together. Your Boohoo Crew should always know (and be able to remind you) why your ex wasn’t good for you then, and why he or she is definitely not worth pining over now.
When we’re in post-breakup mode, some of us have trouble reaching out to others. We think asking for help is a sign of weakness, but it’s not. It’s a show of strength. So go out there and recruit the best Boohoo Crew ever! (Right now.)
To kick start your healing process, be sure to pick up my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
Got a question about how to get over your ex? Email ask@lisasteadman.com.
After The Breakup: The ABCs of Ex Etiquette
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on May 26, 2011 - 7:00 AM
Think you can stay friends with your ex and still move on after a breakup? Think again. Most people who try to stay friends with their ex are just doing so in hopes of either rekindling the relationship or using the other person as a crutch until someone better comes along. What happens when it’s the other person who moves on first? Ouch!
As hard as it may be to accept, your relationship is over. It’s now time to EXtract your ex from your life, give yourself time to heal, and create the space to move on. Of course, there are certain circumstances in which you can’t avoid maintaining a relationship with your ex, but for now, the following is a cheat sheet on appropriate ways of communicating with your ex after the Big Breakup:
By Phone
The reasons for talking to your ex on the phone are…wait. There are none. Delete his number from your cell phone. And if he calls and leaves you a message, have a friend listen to it in case it’s important. Then delete, delete, delete!
Via Email, IM, Text Messaging, Social Networking Sites
After you’ve arranged to return each other’s stuff, delete your ex from your email address book, your Facebook and Twitter friends, and your instant messaging contacts. That way when you’re having a fragile moment at three A.M., you’re not tempted to contact him (the repercussions the following day can be both embarrassing and costly to your recovery). And if you were hoping to keep tabs on your ex by tracking his every online move or possible new dating adventures? Don’t do it. It’ll just make you wonder who he’s talking to (or obsess about those hotties who keep posting comments on your ex’s Facebook page), and you don’t need that.
In Person
And because there are just too many emotions swirling around in your post-breakup head, you should avoid seeing your ex in person at all costs. If you see your ex too soon, you run the risk of suffering potentially bad consequences, including any or all of the following:
1. Losing face by crying hysterically
2. Waking up beside your ex the next morning and realizing you just had sex with your ex
3. Getting arrested for assault and battery
Let’s face it. None of these situations are ideal. So if you can, avoid seeing your ex until your emotions are more stable. Only you can determine when that will be (and it’s okay to say never!).
To kick start your healing process, be sure to pick up my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
Got a question about how to get over your ex? Email ask@lisasteadman.com.
The Benefits of Breaking Up
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on May 25, 2011 - 7:00 AM
You know the story about the single girl who never dated, never had a relationship until one day she met the man of her dreams, got married, had children, and lived happily ever after?
Neither do I.
The truth is, dating is a numbers game and you’ve gotta be in it to win it. Which means that along the way, you’re going to experience a breakup or two. So the next time you’re out there in the dating trenches and experience a breakup, remember that in addition to the disappointment, there are plenty of benefits to breaking up.
Benefit #1: Practice Makes Perfect
Once upon a time, breakups were considered a taboo topic. But in 2009, they’re like badges of honor that every savvy single must endure. After all, how are you going to know what you really want in life and love without experiencing a little bit of what you DON’T want? After each breakup, you get the opportunity to evaluate your last relationship for its good and bad qualities and decide how that’s going to shape the type of partner you pursue moving forward. Without the breakup, you’d never get these opportunities.
Benefit #2: The Value Of ME Time
Another benefit of breaking up? The opportunity to put the focus of your life back on you – your wants, your needs, your desires. While relationships can be amazing and love can feed your soul, there’s also something incredibly freeing and fabulous about being on your own. By really knowing who you are as an individual, you have the opportunity to create and live an authentic life. In doing so, you’re that much more likely to attract your perfect partner. And along the way, you’re free to celebrate your fabulous self!
Benefit #3: Celebrating Friendship
Over the course of your single and fabulous life, romantic relationships will come and go. But friendships? They stand the test of time. And there’s no better time to celebrate your friendships than between breakups. It’s your friends who help you heal. Your friends who remind you why your ex wasn’t good for you, and why they’re definitely not worth pining over now. While you should never let friendships slide when you’re in a relationship, after a breakup is the perfect time to reconnect, renew, and rejoice in your friends.
Benefit #4: Discovering Your Own Resilience
Oftentimes, in the throes of a bad breakup, you question your ability to survive. Occasionally, you even mistakenly think that your innate fabulousness is somehow tied to our ex and without them, you are nothing. The beauty of going through a breakup or two (or ten) is in discovering your ability to not only survive but thrive on your own two feet. In awakening to your own resilience, you discover how fabulous you really are. And that’s worth a little heartache, don’t you think?
For help getting over your breakup, pick up a copy of It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good!
Beyond the breakup and looking for tips on how to move on and meet Mr. Right? Pick up a copy of If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right.
REALLY ready to meet Mr. Right? Unlock my 5 essential secrets for How to Meet Your Husband NOW!
The Breakup Chronicles: When Love Gone Wrong Leads to Lessons Learned
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on May 24, 2011 - 7:00 AM
Here’s another story I pulled out of The Breakup Chronicles archives. Enjoy!
I take the cake. I went from one heart break into another!
When I met the first Mr. Ex, I was in a relationship but fell so deeply in love that I had to break it off. As is usual, everything was wonderful. And then he started to stray. For five years I stayed with him, through affairs, disrespect,t baby mama drama. Finally, it was the day that I saw him kissing another woman who was dropping him off to work. Yes, we worked together, that I finally realized that I had to get a hold of myself. I broke it off, and told myself that I would never fall victim to another man’s stories again.
After 10 months of the single life, I met the new Mr. Ex. He seemed to be all that I dreamed of – witty, articulate, and kind. We fell in love and soon enough, started living together. That’s where the trouble started. Since it was really my house, he said that he felt at a disadvantage. Then, he started hanging out with his buddies, and would come home at all hours. Then I discovered his addiction to porn. Things were starting to unravel. The worst was when he told me that he had lost the ‘spark’ in the relationship. Still he remained in my home, sleeping in my bed every night, and barely talking to me. On New Year’s Eve I walked into the house to find all his things gone. He had moved out without a word.
A month later, he called to ask me out on a date. Fool that I was, I went. Of course, we started up again. But this time he treated me like somewhere to go, when he had nowhere to go. He would be in my house almost every weekend, and I would cook and take care of him, do his laundry, almost as if we were still together. Meanwhile, he is saying that it was a ‘transitional’ period, and he was not sure how he felt. In short, he was getting all the milk he could drink, without having to purchase the cow.
One Sunday he remained all day without taking a bath, smelling all funky, and looking like a slob, and by evening I found myself just hoping that he would go. The next morning he left, and I haven’t seen him since. Oh he still calls, but now I answer the phone only when I feel like it. He’s asked me out since, but I turn him down. What helped me to make the change, is when I asked myself Why am I doing this? I realized that as hard as it seemed, in order to save me, I had to let him go. And so I did.
There are people who come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Mr. Ex taught me that I had to fall in love with myself first, before I could fall in love with someone else. It was a lesson well learned.
What’s YOUR breakup story? Post your comments here.
Want help healing your heart? Pick up your copy of It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good!
What if Mr. Right got away?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on May 23, 2011 - 7:00 AM
Worried that Mr. Right got away?
Convinced there is no upside to your breakup?
Think I’m full of crap when I say breaking up was the right thing to do?
That’s okay.
While you may not see it yet, there IS an upside to any breakup. Maybe it’s too soon to see yours. Maybe you don’t want to believe it yet.
The sooner you break free from your belief that true love will never again be yours, the sooner you can heal your heart and move on. You may have to trust me on this one. 
Share your thoughts on this topic here on the blog or on my Facebook Fan Page.
For help letting go of Mr. Wrong and making room for Mr. Right, pick up one of my 3 books, depending on where you are on the journey way from Mr. Wrong and towards Mr. Right:
It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good!
If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right
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