Have you been “Turkey Dropped”?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 18, 2011 - 7:00 AM
I just read this on npr.org. Click here to listen to the audio story on All Things Considered. And yes, I subscribe to kcrw, so I’m sure they don’t mind me re-purposing their material…
It’s not just turkeys that get nervous this time of year. Chances are high that a failing relationship will also meet its end during the holidays. That’s because it’s not just turkey season — it’s turkey drop season.
“The turkey drop is that holiday breakup season where all the college students return home for their first major vacation, and everyone breaks up,” Washington University junior Carly MacLeod tells guest host Robert Smith. She writes the romance column for the student newspaper.
It’s often freshmen who do the majority of the turkey dropping, MacLeod says. After three months living apart and making new friends, high school sweethearts reunite to find their long-distance relationship is more burden than they want. Upcoming finals add to the emotional stress. “Go home, hook up and break up is pretty much the pattern,” MacLeod says.
You’re not safe from the turkey drop if you’re out of college, either, according to relationship and sex advice guru Dan Savage. “For grown-ups,” he says, “it’s the anticipation of being stuck for three or four more months.
“You’re a cad if you break up around Christmas. And then there’s New Year’s — and you can’t dump somebody right around New Year’s. After that, if you don’t jump on it, is Valentine’s Day,” Savage says. “God forbid if their birthday should fall somewhere between November and February — then you’re really stuck.
“Thanksgiving is really when you have to pull the trigger if you’re not willing to tough it out through February.”
Both Savage and MacLeod speak from experience. MacLeod was turkey dropped her first year in college, by a boyfriend who told her the distance was too hard to handle. “He was still a senior in high school,” she says. “That one hurt even a little bit more than, I think, a regular breakup.”
Savage doesn’t have any advice to share from his breakup. “I’m actually bad at the turkey drop,” he says. “I had a turkey drop that was coming, and I fled the state.”
From breakup Boohoo! to dating Woohoo!
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 17, 2011 - 7:00 AM
Yesterday, I got this amazing email from one of my Facebook friends. I just had to share it…
“I just can’t tell you how much your book, It’s a Breakup not a Breakdown has helped me through these horrible past two months! Without your wise, funny words, examples and ‘check-ins’ I think I would have lost my mind. My loving, committed, best friend ex of almost 5 years had been cheating on me for two years with a married neighbor down his street! After more drama than a mini-series, and going from angry to betrayed to utter depression and sadness, I’m slowly beginning to thrive–not mearly survive. In fact my Single and Ready to Mingle Movin’ On Party is scheduled for Sept. 22. And my Boo Hoo Crew is definitely now my Woo hoo’s!!!”
Hugs,
Anna
Here’s what I love about getting emails like this. It shows the resilience that lies within all of us. Even in the midst of excruciating heartbreak and betrayal, we can find a silver lining. We can also rise from the ashes of our old life, reinvent ourselves, and celebrate our metamorphosis. Woohoo!
It also illustrates the importance of building your success team. Anna has a supportive Boohoo Crew, AND she’s been doing the accountability exercises in my book.
Who’s on your success team?
What are YOU doing to heal your heart and move on?
Your healing won’t happen magically. You actually have to participate! That’s why I wrote my 21 day workbook. So you not only read about healing your heart, but you participate on a daily basis. This is ESSENTIAL to letting go of the past and stepping into your future.
If you’re REALLY ready to heal your heart, here are some easy ways to get started:
- Create those new boundaries with your ex
- Recruit your Boohoo Crew/Success team
- Spend time every day forgiving yourself, loving yourself, and engaging in nurturing activities
- Shift your focus from your ex’s future to what you want for YOUR future
- Reinvent your space, especially your bedroom
And if you REALLY want to accelerate your healing, get hands-on help, and work closely with me, sign up for my final Heal Your Heart 8 Week Group TeleClass of 2009. Here’s what you get:
- 8 weekly group calls led by me.
- Weekly materials including worksheets, tools, and tips to help you surmount any recovery hurdle.
- Access to an exclusive area of my message board for a rich and supportive community.
- A FREE copy of my workbook It’s A Breakup, Not A Breakdown Workbook: A 21 day plan to plot your revenge, spoil yourself, and find out how good life is without him.
- Discounts on my private coaching for added support.
But hurry — space in my teleclass is limited and it WILL SELL OUT.
To ensure your spot, sign up NOW!
As my gift to your healing and recovery, I want to offer you 25% off the class. Here’s how to redeem this generous offer:
- Visit my TeleClass page
- Click the Add to Cart button on the program you want
- Enter this coupon code on the next page: Lisa Gift
- Click Apply (you’ll see the discount applied) and then click Check-Out
It’s THAT easy to redeem your gift, save money, AND heal your heart!
To your success!
xoxo,
Lisa
Breakup Rx/Movin’ On Tips @ SingleEdition.com
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 16, 2011 - 7:00 AM
I was recently interviewed on SingleEdition.com.
In the interview, I dished on the 3 most important survival strategies women must follow after a breakup, if you can stay friends with your ex, and how to let go of all that post-breakup Boohoo and celebrate the Woohoo Within.
I also talked about the value of discovering your own resilience.
Here’s a snippet of the interview:
Q: What are 3 warning signs that a relationship is doomed from the start?
When there’s everyday drama, when you can’t openly and easily communicate, when you’re not equally invested in the relationship.
Q: Do you think women and men can/should be friends after a break up? Why or why not?
Men seem to be able to stay friends and still heal their hearts and date other people. Women can’t. We’re not wired that way. Our heart stays connected and that means we aren’t moving on. Bad news for us when we realize we’ve been holding out hope of reconciling and he’s already in a new relationship. Ouch!
Click here to read the full article.
Bad Breakups Revisited: The Broken Hearted Club Weighs In
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 14, 2011 - 7:00 AM
Think your breakup was bad? Curl up with your fellow breakup survivors to find out how other people got the boot…
“My ex broke up with me while I was out serving jury duty. He wrote me a one page letter and left it on my kitchen table so that I could see it when I got home from court. While I was in court serving jury duty, he was packing his things in his suitcase getting ready to go to the airport to fly from NYC to CA (where he is originally from). Later that afternoon I came home to find this one paged letter and an empty apartment. He is such a coward. He never even called me up to at least say sorry. We were in a relationship for over three years! I at least deserve an explanation. What I got was another really long letter via email a day later.”
- Brooke
“I had been in a four year relationship with a guy whom I fell in love with in almost an instant. While I was pregnant with his baby, I found out that he was hiding a serious drug problem from me. I helped him through detox and stuck by him through all of it. About seven months ago he cheated on me and again I forgave him. But in the end I had to break up because he got into harder drugs and I couldn’t have my baby being around all that. I am trying to get over this and be strong but the truth is, no matter how you break up or what it is over it still hurts!”
- Cherry
“Mr. Ex and I dated for almost a year and everything was great! We did everything together and had so much fun. He would shower me with beautiful gifts and I fell deeply in love with him. Then just last month we went to Vegas for vacation. We had the best time! But when we got back, he told me he wanted to explore his options and date other people. I cried for three weeks straight.”
- Carla
“When he can’t tell you everything, when he keeps his phone calls, emails and chats “too private,” when you have that gut feeling in your stomach that something’s not right – more often than not you are right! Trust issues are the worst obstacles. I should know! If you don’t trust your partner, you’ll find yourself too tired of playing Private Investigator all the time. End it while you still have your dignity intact. It’s hard but it’s the only way.”
- Lydia
“I was engaged to be married. We were together 5 years. Everything for the wedding was done and we had bought a house. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who I helped raise from the time she was 7. In June 2004, 2 weeks before my shower, he decided that he didn’t think it was going to work. He just called the whole thing off. Five months after what would have been our wedding day, he married another woman and had a baby six months later. As much as I hurt, I now realize how lucky I am. Marrying that liar would have been my biggest mistake.”
- Rosie
“I was dating this guy for five months and everything was absolutely amazing. We went places and spent almost every waking hour with each other. Then one day he just started acting kind of shady, like he didn’t want to be bothered with me anymore. Come to find out that he has this psycho baby mama that he lives with and when she found out about me, as she demanded he stopped seeing me. What was I supposed to do? They have a kid together. I had to let him go.”
- Delinda
“My ex and I were together for the best year-and-a-half of my life. We broke up because her negative family issues overwhelmed our relationship and hindered us from moving on with our lives together. I would never want to tear her away from them, but I wished she could have stopped being so dangerously co-dependent.”
- Mike
Now that you know you’re not alone, get hands-on help by picking up your very own copies of my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
Want to share your story with me or ask me a question? Email ask@lisasteadman.com.
The Benefits of Breaking Up
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 AM
You know the story about the single girl who never dated, never had a relationship until one day she met the man of her dreams, got married, had children, and lived happily ever after?
Neither do I.
The truth is, dating is a numbers game and you’ve gotta be in it to win it. Which means that along the way, you’re going to experience a breakup or two. And according to a recent study out of Northwestern University, breaking up is not so hard to do. In fact, can be freeing and fabulous! So the next time you’re out there in the dating trenches and experience a breakup, remember that in addition to the disappointment, there are plenty of benefits to breaking up.
Benefit #1: Practice Makes Perfect
Once upon a time, breakups were considered a taboo topic. But in 2007, they’re like badges of honor that every savvy single must endure. After all, how are you going to know what you really want in life and love without experiencing a little bit of what you DON’T want? After each breakup, you get the opportunity to evaluate your last relationship for its good and bad qualities and decide how that’s going to shape the type of partner you pursue moving forward. Without the breakup, you’d never get these opportunities.
Benefit #2: The Value Of “Me” Time
Another benefit of breaking up? The opportunity to put the focus of your life back on you – your wants, your needs, your desires. While relationships can be amazing and love can feed your soul, there’s also something incredibly freeing and fabulous about being on your own. By really knowing who you are as an individual, you have the opportunity to create and live an authentic life. In doing so, you’re that much more likely to attract your perfect partner. And along the way, you’re free to celebrate your fabulous self!
Benefit #3: Celebrating Friendship
Over the course of your single and fabulous life, romantic relationships will come and go. But friendships? They stand the test of time. And there’s no better time to celebrate your friendships than between breakups. It’s your friends who help you heal. Your friends who remind you why your ex wasn’t good for you, and why they’re definitely not worth pining over now. While you should never let friendships slide when you’re in a relationship, after a breakup is the perfect time to reconnect, renew, and rejoice in your friends.
Benefit #4: Discovering Your Own Resilience
Oftentimes, in the throes of a bad breakup, you question your ability to survive. Occasionally, you even mistakenly think that your innate fabulousness is somehow tied to our ex and without them, you are nothing. The beauty of going through a breakup or two (or ten) is in discovering your ability to not only survive but thrive on your own two feet. In awakening to your own resilience, you discover how fabulous you really are. And that’s worth a little heartache, don’t you think?
Does your breakup feel more like a breakdown? Join my movement to let go of Mr. Wrong and rock your recovery with my 2 transformative books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and my 21 day workbook It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
Got questions about your breakup? Email ask@lisasteadman.com.
Don’t make THESE mistakes! (I did)
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 13, 2011 - 7:00 AM
Lisa Steadman's It's A Breakup Not A Breakdown Workbook
I get a ton of email from amazing women who are in the throes of their Big Breakup. And they all want to know one thing…
What mistakes did I make during my Big Breakup that they can avoid as they try to pick up the pieces and move on?
My initial thought is, How much time have you got?
Truthfully, I committed many cardinal breakup sins along my journey towards Happily Ever After. Specifically…
• I stayed connected to my ex, falling in and out of bed with him for ONE YEAR after our second breakup, hoping, praying, and wishing our obvious incompatibilities could be conquered by simply LOVING EACH OTHER (which we weren’t very good at to begin with!)
• While I dated other guys during that year, my heart was so connected to my ex that I pushed them all away (and lost out on some really great guys!)
• I believed I WAS THE PROBLEM, I was a failure at love, and with nothing to look forward to in my future, why not stay stuck in the past?
• I stopped believing in myself, in my value, in my beauty, in my worth (this was the worst thing that happened!)
Sound familiar? Are you making these mistakes in your own heartbreak recovery?
If so, how long are you going to punish yourself?
How long will you tell yourself that where you are is acceptable, that you deserve the pain you’re in, and that happily ever after only exists for other people?
How long are you willing to stay stuck in the pain of the past, with no hope of ever stepping into your magnificent future?
What if you stopped beating yourself up today?
What would happen if you let go of your ex, stopped taking his calls, emails, and texts, and actually went cold turkey?
What MIGHT happen if you believed that there was someone else out there for you, someone BETTER SUITED for you, and that he was doing all his emotional work to get to you in record time? Wouldn’t you do the work necessary to reach him in record time?
Wouldn’t you start loving yourself more, treating yourself with kindness and compassion, and ask for the help you DESERVE?
I know you would. I know because I’ve been there, done the work, had the faith, and moved on to MY blissful future.
I’ve also seen it time and time again with the women I work with in my 8 Week Heal Your Heart Teleclasses.
Today, I invite you to stop making those mistakes that are killing your spirit. I want you to stop robbing yourself of your happiness. By doing this one thing differently, i.e. disconnecting from your ex, you will accelerate your healing and move on in record time.
For help getting through your Big Breakup, get your copies of It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
Share your successes and challenges with me here.
Suddenly Single: How to Reinvent Yourself After Heartbreak
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 12, 2011 - 7:00 AM
Whether you just got out of a relationship, or have been struggling to heal your broken heart for some time now, figuring out how to move on can be confusing, fear-inducing, and downright uncomfortable. Not only do you have to let go of your past, but you’ve got to be willing to embrace the unknown future.
If the task sounds daunting, don’t worry. By unlocking the following seven secrets from my 21 day workbook It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him, you’ll unleash your personal reinvention and go from “I’ll never be the same” to “What was his name?” in no time!
Secret #1: Become a “glass is half full” kind of person
Maybe your last relationship wasn’t so good. Maybe your entire relationship history makes you feel frustrated, confused, and/or disappointed. Instead of embracing bitterness or defeat, why not take a step back and look at your life from a different perspective? Start by asking yourself what you learned from your last relationship and all those previous relationships. By embracing the idea that there’s a reason for everything and/or a life lesson to be learned, how can you shift from being a “glass is half empty” kind of person to seeing the glass as half full? It may be as simple as shifting focus to the blessings in your life, rather than obsessing about what’s missing. Starting today, practice gratitude for your home, your health, your job, your friends, your pets, and/or your family. By celebrating the many blessings already in your life, you’re better able to feel good about your future, and ultimately attract healthy, happy, whole individuals who are also “glass is half full” kind of people.
Secret #2: Play up your strengths
It’s all too easy to focus on our flaws. But what if instead you played up your strengths? For example, instead of obsessing about the fact that your butt’s bigger than you’d like, or your childhood was kind of screwed up, or that you got passed over for that promotion at work, celebrate the many ways you’re magnificent. For example, rather than feel bad about your bodacious booty, show off your sexy calves by wearing sassy heels and skirts. Or, let go of your dysfunctional childhood and instead celebrate the amazing friends you have in your life right now. Or, infuse your work with renewed passion and enthusiasm, getting your boss’ attention in the process and possibly earning yourself a promotion in the months to come.
Secret #3: Fall in love with yourself
We all have those days when we don’t feel pretty, think we’ve missed out on our chance at love, and/or in general feel frustrated about the state of our lives. When you start to feel this way, remind yourself of your own innate fabulousness. You ARE a catch! You have a fantastic life full of possibility! You’re an amazing human being, flaws and all. By celebrating who you are at your very core, and learning to accept yourself warts and all, you’re better able to love and accept yourself in the moment. In the process, others will take notice. Before you know it, you’ll be attracting like-minded individuals who love themselves, warts and all.
Secret #4: Don’t take life too seriously
Sometimes it’s hard to get outside your comfort zone, take risks, and go for what you really want. But guess what? Now’s the perfect time to take life less seriously and increase your level of every day enjoyment. The radical results? You’ll free yourself from self-inflicted judgment, and create a space where doing things that once scared you now feels not only possible but easy. Maybe you’ll start writing that book, take that trip abroad, approach a cute stranger and just say hi, or splurge on your first home (a feat that once felt impossible). Whatever it is that used to seem out of reach, give yourself permission to go for it, starting today. By not taking yourself or your life too seriously, you begin to enjoy your everyday experiences so much more and start attracting amazing individuals.
Secret #5: Make time for things you enjoy
It’s all too easy to get bogged down by obligation. But what if in 2009, you regularly took time away from your “have to” schedule for that equally important “want to” list? At least once a week, make a date with yourself and have some fun. From signing up for salsa dance class to attending a creative workshop that speaks to you to having game night with friends, play time is just as important (if not more) as work time. By creating space to feed your spirit, you awaken your best self. The results? A more satisfying life, plus the possibility of meeting like-minded potential partners.
Secret #6: Meet new people
Now that you’re single again, it’s time to get out of your comfort zone and find like-minded individuals. Volunteer for a cause near and dear to you. Join a new club or take up a new activity. Get involved in your community. In the process, you’ll meet inspired individuals with similar interests. Seek them out on a regular basis and enjoy time with new friends. You never know how these new connections will enhance your life. From finding love to embarking on new adventures to experiencing amazing new opportunities, now’s your chance to expand your social circle.
Secret #7: Invest in your personal development
With your heart on the mend, why not do something to inspire personal growth? It’s a great way to celebrate yourself and encourage continued expansion. Invest in a self help book that appeals to you. Spend time with a mentor or guru you admire. Hire a life coach and create and action plan for the next six months. By investing in yourself and your personal development, you’ll be well-equipped to celebrate the amazing individual that you are and continue to become. Love that!
Learning to celebrate yourself is the key to rocking your breakup recovery. By unlocking the seven secrets above in the coming months, you’re sure to go from Boohoo! to Woohoo! in no time.
Share your challenges and successes here or on my Facebook Fan page.
And be sure to get your very own copies of my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
How to get over Your Big Breakup
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 11, 2011 - 7:00 AM
Whenever I’m at a dinner party and meet somebody new, the inevitable question comes up: what do you do? When I tell them I’m a best selling author of 2 breakup recovery books, it always leads to an interesting conversation. Usually, I get to hear the story of Their Big Breakup, and it’s always gut-wrenching, soul-shifting, and chock full of life lessons.
Having written about my Big Breakup in It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown, I can tell you easily what my lessons were. In sharing them, I have discovered that they are pretty universal. So here, in no particular order, are the top universal lessons learned following a breakup:
Lesson #1: In the right relationship, you never have to apologize for or compromise who you are
Have you ever been in a relationship where you couldn’t be who you really are? Were there parts of your personality you felt like you had to tone down in order to make your partner comfortable? The truth is, in the wrong relationship we can’t be our authentic selves. In the right relationship, we are celebrated. Even our quirks are accepted, even loved. The beauty of breaking free of the wrong relationship is that you’re now free to be who you really are, maybe even the person you’re transforming into. Maybe you wouldn’t know that person if you hadn’t gone through the breakup. What a blessing!
Lesson #2: In the wrong relationship, dreams go unrealized
We all have dreams. Some are not yet spoken, but they’re lurking, bubbling, making their way into our conscious mind. However, when we’re in the wrong relationship, we may not be able to realize our dreams. We may have to sacrifice some part of our dream life to make our partner happy. Maybe our efforts are focused on fulfilling their dreams, or maybe we know deep down that our dreams would intimidate our partner and so it’s just easier to keep them under wraps. Who gets the short end of the stick? Ultimately, you do. Nobody else suffers from your unrealized dreams. If you had dreams that were put on the back burner during a past relationship, now’s the time to reignite the passion, allowing yourself to bring your dreams into your reality.
Lesson #3: Some relationships are temporary
Not every relationship lasts forever. But that doesn’t mean the relationship was a complete and total failure. It just means that your ex served their purpose in your life (and vice versa), but the time came for you to part ways and move on. By giving thanks for the short-term relationships you’ve had, you learn to respect your lessons. You also discover what you’re looking for in your next relationship. Instead of focusing on your breakups as failures, celebrate them for the beautiful life lessons that they are.
Lesson #4: Your gut will never steer you wrong
How many times has your gut told you “caution,” and yet you jumped headfirst into dangerous water? Whether it was a wrong relationship, a wrong job, etc., something in you knew that things would not end up well. But you went for it anyway. You ignored your gut. Consider it a lesson learned. After a breakup, get reacquainted with your gut. Promise to listen to it next time. Trust that it will never lead you astray. The truth is, it won’t.
What valuable lessons have you learned from your breakup? Post a comment here.
When Harry Met Sally: Unhappily Ever After
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 9, 2011 - 7:00 AM
I’m revisiting my breakup past by pulling stories out of The Breakup Chronicles archive.
I love the movie When Harry Met Sally. LOVE it. But I don’t buy the ending. Probably because I lived the real ending. The one that didn’t test well with audiences. The one where they don’t end up together. This is my When Harry Met Sally: Unhappily Ever After.
I met Mr. Ex my freshman year of college. I remember our first conversation in English Comp. He was talking to another girl in the class about his girlfriend back East. They were high school sweethearts, and even though she was thousands of miles away, attending college on the alternate coast, they were staying together. I told him it would never work. He looked at me like I was the biggest bitch he’d ever met. Instantly, we became friends.
I was right. The relationship didn’t last until Christmas. But it was just as well. She was sleeping with somebody else. And he was trying to screw everything in a skirt. Despite his horn dog tendencies, I loved him. We were similar in a lot of ways. Creative, driven, insecure, fun-loving, big drinkers. We bonded over beers, one night stands, and the occasional homework assignment. He was a wonderful writer. It was effortless for him. While I would stay up all night, agonizing over two pages of prose, he would whip something up between classes and it would blow my mind.
He went through girlfriends like I went through a bag of potato chips. He was well-known across our college campus for being outgoing, fun, and a total player unwilling or unable to settle down. And while he knew the name of almost every girl on campus, I was one of the elite few he confided in. Only I knew his insecurities about the future, his financial woes, his family issues. Even most of our friends didn’t know these things. We just had that kind of a connection. And thankfully, we weren’t attracted to each other, so there was no sexual tension between us. Until our senior year.
I chalked it up to Senior Mayhem. That frenzy of feelings and fiascos that occur during senior years in colleges across the country when life is so crazy that you just don’t care about tomorrow. One drunken night we kissed. Then another night it happened again. Then he started kissing me every time he saw me. And spending the night. Or vice versa. It was never much more than a good makeout session. I didn’t want to let it go any further. Yet somehow in the fray, I found myself falling in love with him.
Then we slept together.
And just like that, things changed, just as they had for Harry and Sally. But they changed in different ways for both of us. I found myself head over heels in love with him. As for Mr. Ex, he could only obsess about his disappointing performance. I couldn’t see straight, he couldn’t wait to see the girl next door. Or down the street. Or around the corner.
For the first time in our history, he fell in love with someone else. And broke my heart.
I knew it was for the best. A player like that could never settle down. But he wasn’t supposed to stop being my friend just because of one night, right? And yet that’s what was happening. I was losing him. Fast.
The honest ending to When Harry Met Sally is that Harry never goes to the New Years Eve ball to profess his love for Sally. Instead, he tells his brother that he gave Sally a lousy lay, and his brother, who’s in town for Harry and Sally’s graduation, tries to make it up to Sally by hitting on her. And Sally, in typical high maintenance fashion, throws a drunken temper tantrum in the middle of their last college party in front of the one nice guy she’s met in four years. And the next day, hung over or maybe even still drunk, Harry and Sally graduate from college and never see one another again. And that’s too bad. Because they were the only ones in the big bad city who really knew each other.
The End.
Post Script: Harry and Sally go their separate ways. They fall in love with other people. They live their lives. They have fulfilling careers and drive nice cars and maybe even get married and have children. With other people. But let’s face it. That’s not what audiences want to see. We want the Hollywood ending. We need it. Which is why Harry ditched Mallomars and the Knicks on New Years Eve to chase down Sally. Because it tests well.
The One Who Rocked My World…Revisited
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 8, 2011 - 7:00 AM
So many of my new coaching clients have been asking about my Big Breakup. I’m pulling my story out of The Breakup Chronicles archive. Enjoy!
At 30 years of age, I’d never met anyone who rocked my world. Sure, I’d had relationships. Some good, some not so good, but none had ever turned me inside out, shook my core, and affected me the way Mr. Ex did. Now that all is said and done, it’s easy to see we were doomed from the beginning. But it’s also clear that we came into each other’s lives for a reason, and no amount of logic could have talked us out of the two years we took over each other’s lives.
I met Mr. Ex in the community kitchen at my new job. We introduced ourselves and chatted briefly. From then on, he always had a way of showing up just when I was making tea or grabbing lunch. At first I thought these chance encounters were just that: chance. But deep down I knew he was pseudo-stalking me. I didn’t think much of it, given that he was obviously younger than me, and we didn’t seem to have much in common. Still, he was fun to talk to, and I thought he’d be great company over a beer. Imagine my surprise when, three months later, he asked me to lunch. My initial thought was, He’s seen my ass, right? Turns out he had, and he liked what he saw.
Lunch transitioned into a surprisingly romantic dinner the following week, and a delicious makeout session in his truck the week after that. Before I could point out that our five year age difference wasn’t an issue but our difference in life experience was, we were a couple. He was new to relationships in general, had never been in love, and was still very much living the college lifestyle (without the degree) of drinking himself into oblivion and thinking bills were something you paid if you had any cash left over after treating everyone in the bar to a couple rounds. As for me, I was watching all my friends settle down, get married, and start families of their own. And while he wasn’t anywhere near marriage material, Mr. Ex possessed a lot of endearing qualities: he was cute, funny, sweet, and totally dug me. He was everything I had always wanted in a college boyfriend, including a serious drinking problem. Trouble was, I wasn’t in college anymore. Somehow I convinced myself that our differences were not insurmountable, and I jumped in with both feet.
Despite our differences, Mr. Ex and I were good for each other in many ways. He helped me see my own beauty and worth for the first time in my life. I tried to show him what life could be like when you embraced your insecurities and learned to love life. We totally clicked on a chemical level, which not only made the sex amazing, but our intimacy ran deep. However, that chemical reaction wasn’t always positive. When things were good, there were fireworks. But when things were bad, there was nuclear fallout. When we weren’t bringing out the best in each other, we were drudging up the worst. In all fairness, we were both at fault. His moodiness triggered my insecurities. My neurosis affected his feelings of self-worth. In between declarations of love, great sex, and fits of laughter came uncomfortable silences, major misunderstandings, and deepening drama. He was young enough to think this was normal. I was insecure enough to think this was acceptable.
We stayed together for a year, and really tried to make it work. But that’s just it. If you have to try that hard, and it’s still not working, is it worth it? Was I ignoring my need for someone more mature and further on his personal path for a good reason? Was I forcing him to be something or someone he wasn’t ready to be, or could never be? These questions swirled in my head often during that year, a year that saw him working double overtime to placate his demanding boss without additional compensation, which not only left us with little time for each other, but what little time we did have together found him stressed, moody, and drinking behind my back. Then there were the money problems that only surfaced when his dad would call to tell me about them, but when I confronted Mr. Ex, he would shrug and say things were under control.
The truth is, any reasonably self-esteemed woman would have left long before I did. And one day I, too, grew weary of the odds stacked so terribly against us and I ended it. Only nothing in our relationship had been easy so why did I think a breakup would be?
A few months after the initial breakup, we got back together. But truthfully, my heart wasn’t in it. Maybe I was being the guy in the situation, in it for the sex and companionship, all the while knowing it wasn’t right. He wasn’t ready to meet me on my level, and I was no longer interested in sinking to his. Within a few months, when his secretive financial failings once again bubbled to the surface (thanks to dear old Dad) I called it quits for good.
There’s a reason companies have policies against inter-office dating. It’s not that they discourage love and happiness, they just know that breaking up sucks, and having to see your ex on a daily basis sucks even more. But we made the best of it. First we didn’t talk at all. Then we talked all the time. Then we slept together again. And again. And again. And then, almost a year after our initial breakup, we realized we had to stop. For good. No hard feelings. And I mean it when I say no hard feelings. I accept that things didn’t work out, but I also know I had to go through this relationship, not once but twice. I had things to learn. And I’m better for having learned them. I’m a stronger, happier, more self-confident woman because Mr. Ex came into my life.
And speaking of Mr. Ex, I hear he’s getting his act together. I like to think it’s because of me but the truth is, nobody does anything they’re not ready to do for themselves. But I can at least take credit for pointing him in the general direction. And I’m thrilled for him (OK, my emotions are mixed). But one thing’s certain – we came into each other’s lives for a reason. I was there to show him the way. And he was there to love me like I’d never been loved before. And to rock my world. And even tho my heart hasn’t totally healed, I’m thankful we happened. As the saying goes, don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. And boy, am I smiling.
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