Day 21: Are you REALLY ready for love?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 30, 2011 - 7:00 AM
I talked to so many single women who think they’re ready for love. And yet when I ask them how they’re making room for it in their lives, or how they’re getting ready for their perfect partner, they just looked at me blankly.
You need to be ready for love in order for it to show up. That means checking your emotional baggage. Clearing any remaining personal clutter from your life. Making space in your home for him. Making space in your heart for him.
Today, make a list of what you need to do to get ready for love. Maybe you need to surrender to not knowing when he’ll show up. Maybe you need to break free of the pain of your past. Maybe you need to de-clutter your home.
Make a list of what you need to do to set the scene for love. One by one, check things off the list.
What do you need to do to get ready for love? Share it here!
And good luck with this tip. If you need help, ask me. I’m here for you!
For more tips like this, check out http://lisasteadman.com/category/30-day-challenge/
Jennifer Gauvain and Anne Milford on 3 signs you need to call off your wedding
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 29, 2011 - 7:00 AM
I often meet single women who are so singularly focused on finding a man they can marry that they lose all sense of reality and common sense. That’s why I’m soo excited to share this next article with you. I met Jennifer and Anne on Twitter, heard about their amazing book How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy, and just HAD to share their genius with you. So before you jump into the wrong relationship with both feet, read on…
As a relationship therapist and researcher, we’ve talked to hundreds of women who married the wrong guy for the wrong reason. What’s even more amazing is that every one of them knew they were making a mistake as they were walking down the aisle. What can we learn from their mistakes? If you hear yourself saying any of the following, it may be a sign that you need to call off your wedding or end your relationship:
“If it doesn’t work out, we can always get a divorce.”
If you are already thinking that divorce may be in your future, it should be a big red flag about the relationship. Divorce is a miserable, messy and expensive. The women we talked to said it was the most painful experience of their life. Even when YOU are the one serving the papers — it will be more stressful than you ever imagined. Don’t walk down the aisle with someone you’re not sure about.
“We’ve dated for so long; I don’t want to waste the time I’ve invested in the relationship.”
Don’t marry a guy just because you’ve dated him for a long time. Length of relationship does not equal healthy relationship. If you’ve been settling for a ho-hum, less than fulfilling romantic relationship, don’t turn it into a boring, unhappy marriage. He doesn’t have to be a liar and a cheater to be wrong for you.
“Things will get better after the wedding.”
What you see is what you get! Your relationship will not instantly change and improve after you get married. An unfaithful fiance will be an unfaithful husband. A short-tempered and dishonest boyfriend will be a short-tempered and dishonest groom. Don’t marry someone thinking they will change. If your groom-to-be has character traits or issues that you don’t like — don’t fool yourself into thinking they will magically disappear after your wedding.
While the women we talked to were very different, their reasons for going through with a mistaken marriage were surprisingly similar. We heard variations of these same three reasons over and over again. If you are telling yourself the same things, or believe that you may be marrying the wrong guy — you need to put the brakes on the wedding planning. Don’t say “I do” when you are thinking “I don’t!” For more reasons why women date and/or marry the wrong guy visit www.coldfeetpress.com.
About The Experts
Jennifer Gauvain, MSW, LCSW and Anne Milford are the authors of How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy: Is He the One or Should You Run? (Broadway/Random House, May 2010).
Day 20: Don’t be THAT Girl
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 28, 2011 - 7:00 AM
Are you a bitch? A princess? A damsel in distress? A Shero?
If so, it may be sabotaging your chances of meeting Mr. Right.
Today, get clear about the dangerous personas you carry around with you like a chip on your shoulder.
If you’re an entitled princess who believes that every man should give you everything you want, that’s not very attractive. Good men don’t like dating princesses.
If you walk around waiting to be rescued and not taking responsibility for your life, what man is going to want to date you?
If you lead with your resume and incredibly masculine energy, a man will feel irrelevant around you. He’ll also feel emasculated.
To understand which dating personas you walk through life with, grab a copy of my book If He’s Not The One, Who Is? What went wrong and what it takes to find Mr. Right. There’s a whole chapter on how to break free from these dangerous personas.
Once you break free, surrender to not knowing when Mr. Right will show up. Celebrate yourself and your fabulous life. And make room for someone special.
Good luck! Report your progress here.
For more tips like this, check out http://lisasteadman.com/category/30-day-challenge/
Help! My ex is giving me mixed messages…
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 AM
Missy writes: “My boyfriend and I broke up. It came out of the blue. He’d told me he’d loved me for the past 5 years and then went away one weekend and in 4 days was over me. I am heart broken. We had planned a life together. We work together and share the same group of friends so I have to see him everyday. I am able to hold it together (around him) but he is starting to send mixed signals and they get more confusing everyday. For example, telling me how good I look, staring at me constantly, brushing up against me, and now he even offered to drive me to a staff dinner he wasn’t even going to. I’m totally confused. He says he wants to be friends but his actions are saying something different and I keep getting my hopes up that he will come back.”
Lisa says: I feel your pain! As someone who has been there, i.e. trying to stay friends with the ex after a breakup, and having to see him every day at the office, I know how difficult it is. Plus, you’re dealing with disappointment and loss. The key to your survival during this difficult time is that you must create new boundaries with your ex. He is going to test those boundaries constantly (don’t let him – he can flirt with you and still move on. As a woman, it’s trickier!) You have to be strong enough to call him on his inappropriate behavior (brushing up against you, offering you a ride, etc.). That is absolutely unacceptable. Your relationship has changed. He no longer gets to check you out, give you compliments, invade your space, etc. It’s time to change the dynamic. You can remain friendly, but for now, you cannot be friends. That’s an important distinction to make. From now on, only discuss work related matters, and anything else that you have to talk about. Don’t talk about how you’re handling the breakup, if you’re moving on, if you’re dating other people. Your ex may be sending you mixed signals, but it’s up to you to decode them and say Enough!
Good luck and happy healing!
When in doubt, grab a copy of these rockin’ resources:
It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good!
If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right
Advice to heal broken hearts (from tween girls!)
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 27, 2011 - 7:00 AM
This is sooo cute! My g.f. recently polled a group of pre-tween and tween girls on how to handle heartbreak. Here are the results, directly from the mouths of babes:
Cuties, crushes, and heartbreak. It’s all part of growing up, but boy, it can definitely sting! That’s why it’s good to get advice from others who’ve been through it. Like these awesome girls:
Well, I saw my crush with his arm around a girl. **Ouch** But then I got over it by finding a new best buddy!
- Grace
I had this boyfriend, and he made me laugh and smile. After almost two months, I found out he was starting to like someone else, so I broke it off with him. I just had to tell myself that there was someone else. And there was! I met this cute AND nice guy a week later.
- Megan
Here’s my recipe to cure a broken heart. You’ll need:
1) Lots of ice cream
2) Your best girlfriends
3) Lots of chick flicks
Guaranteed to cure a broken heart!
- Madison
I’ve had my heart broken and my advice is: Forget about him. There are plenty other good-looking guys out there. And who knows? Some of them might even be into you, but you just haven’t had time to really see the truth. So I think the best thing to do is forget about him. If he comes back, so be it. But DON’T waste your time crying over him. That’s exactly what he wants!!
- Leyla
I once thought my boyfriend was the boy of my dreams and that he would never break my heart. Guess what, I was wrong! I was very emotional for about 2 weeks and felt like I could never see his face again. Then my friends helped me out. They told me that I was an awesome person who is incredible in every way, and that I should not cry over him because if he doesn’t like me then he is missing out on something so sweet. You should not cry over a boy who does not like you!
- Jenny
What’s YOUR advice for young girls experiencing their first breakup?
First Decide Whether You Like Him by Bobbi Palmer
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 AM
OK, I loved Bobbi Palmer’s advice so much that I asked her to dole out some more nuggets of dating wisdom! This time, she’s putting her own spin on my Become The Chooser video. Enjoy!
It’s pathetic how easily I can find my self acting like the insecure kid I was in high school. These days it doesn’t come up too much, but can happen when I meet someone I especially like and admire, and get the sense they don’t return the feeling. I can get to feeling so hurt and undeserving that I turn into a withdrawn ball of mush.
Sometimes it’s hard to ignore these feelings; real or not. Whether you’re 18 or over 58 rejection feels like crap. Over the years it’s caused me real pain. But there’s a difference between when it happened in high school and when it happens now. Now I’ve learned some life skills that help me through it. I have a conscious conversation with myself that goes something like this:
Stop! You’re acting like a high school girl. That woman has shown no clear signs that she doesn’t like or respect you. It’s all in your head. You’re being insecure. Just be your terrific self. There’s no reason she shouldn’t like you.
I try to drop myself back in reality, and be kind to myself. It almost always works.
This was definitely a pattern for me as I started dating and looking for love. When I’d meet a single man it only took me about 5 minutes to start trying to figure out if he liked me. Until I had that answer — or at least thought I had the answer — I was stuck in my head. The chatter was often overwhelming, and not just during the date. It lasted well after it was over. Looking back, I’m sure it affected how I acted when I met men, and it probably cost me some good dating action.
Once I learned the “be real and be nice to yourself” self-talk tool it helped me a lot when I was dating. It would lower the voice of that chatter. But it wasn’t until I got the following brilliant nugget from my super talented therapist that my dating and love life really changed:
First, decide whether you like him.
What a concept! Do you like him? Is this a man you feel good being with? Does he seem to have the qualities you are looking for in a close companion or potential husband?
I never considered that question because I was so wrapped up in whether he liked me. Do I like him? Once I learned to ask this first, it turned out that I didn’t even need to have that whole other conversation with myself. Because if the answer was “no” the rest didn’t matter.
It took me a lot of time and money to learn this. It’s pretty simple, isn’t it? It honestly changed the way I looked at men and, surprisingly, it changed the way I thought about myself. Asking and answering this first kept me from wasting time and energy wondering if I was liked by someone I didn’t even like. More importantly, it forced me to think of myself first. What do I want? Does this man seem worthy of me? These were questions I hadn’t been asking myself. And they are the most important questions.
During Lisa’s 30 Day Get Out There Challenge, try it. Next time you go on a date or just meet an available man, ask yourself: Do I like him? Let me know if it changes your dating experiences like it did mine.
About The Expert
Bobbi Palmer is a dating and relationship coach, speaker, blogger, and author helping smart, independent women find meaningful love while enjoying the dating along the way. (She should know…she followed her own advice and married the man of her dreams at 47!) You can read her blog and take her Man-O-Meter Test at http://datelikeagrownup.com.
Breakup Recovery Tip #7: Create A New Nighttime Ritual
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 26, 2011 - 7:00 AM
Day 19: Surrender to NOT knowing when Mr. Right will show up
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 AM
Are you pissed off that Mr. Right hasn’t shown up yet?
Are you so stressed out about when Prince charming will ride in on his white horse that you can’t see straight?
Do you feel like Charlotte did on Sex & The city before she met Trey, wondering where your dream man is?
Do you often find yourself wondering aloud, “Where is he?!”
I get it. I’ve been there. And yet this intensity is messing with your chances of meeting Mr. Right.
If you feel ridiculously behind schedule, you don’t have accurate thinking. You’re far too focused on what’s NOT in your life rather than what IS.
Today, take a chill pill. Relax. Surrender to the unknown.
You don’t know when Mr. Right’s going to show up. So why try and control it? Why not simply surrender to the fact that that part of your life is still unfolding? And that’s exciting!
Let go of your need to KNOW. Surrender to the imperfection of not knowing. And get on with your fabulous life.
Now that you know how to put yourself in target rich environments, how to flirt, and how to talk to men, you’ve already cut down on wasted time waiting around for some guy. Celebrate that! And continue rocking my 30 day challenge.
For hands on help pick up a copy of my e-book Bad Love No More! and my latest book If He’s Not The One, Who Is: What went wrong and what it takes to find Mr. Right.
Good luck! Report your progress here. I’d love to hear from you!
For more tips like this, check out http://lisasteadman.com/category/30-day-challenge/
Bobbi Palmer on Setting Your Goals and Being Courageous
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 25, 2011 - 7:00 AM
I meet so many amazing women who are over the age of 40 and truly believe time has run out on their chance to find Mr. Right. That’s why I’m THRILLED to share Bobbi Palmer’s advice for smart, savvy, grown up women on how to live and date fearlessly. Enjoy!
One of my father’s favorite sayings is “it’s a good thing to want.” I used to think that was his sarcastic way of brushing off my wishes and dreams as a child. Now I understand that he meant it literally.
It’s our desire for things that propels us to achieve. It’s why we a have a good job or career, good friends, and comfort in our lives.
For me, when it came to finding my life partner, the space between the desire and the achievement seemed monumental. There were so many things in my life that I had “conquered” but I just couldn’t figure the man thing out.
Conversely, there are things I thought I didn’t want, and ultimately realized I did. That was true of my desire to be married. For a long time (into my 30s), I was convinced that marriage wasn’t something I wanted in my life. But I finally admitted that it was something I badly wanted…and I found my spectacular life partner at 47, when I was a first time bride.
Once I truly acknowledged I wanted it – and said it out loud – the scale tipped from fear to desire – and I set out to claim it. Here are some steps I took to get there:
1.Be honest and go for it.
2.Some things are just too important to let get away.
Finding a great guy and lasting love is one of those things. Forgo your fear, overcome your disappointment, and let yourself feel the need and desire to connect with a man who loves and adores you.
Get honest with yourself and if you haven’t already, go do as Lisa says on Day 18. Make your Why I’m a Great Catch list, and fall madly in love with yourself. Make sure it’s your grownup gal making the list; not the insecure 18 year old girl who judged based on what 18 year old boys wanted. Then go out and attract a real man who brings you what you want and need. You won’t let yourself settle for less.
3.Put it out there.
In life, getting what you want often involves making it known that you want it. In dating, that means letting men know when you are interested. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen women lose opportunities to get to know nice men because they didn’t put out the “I’m interested” vibe.
4.The idea that men want to hunt creates all kinds of assumptions and forces all kinds of behavior.
Yes, many men want some challenge and are turned off by women who fawn over them; especially right off. But most men, especially mature and confident men, need to feel they have a chance with you before they really go for it. No one likes rejection. And these men don’t want to waste their time chasing something they can’t catch.
5.When you’re interested, let him know.
Laugh at his jokes, tell him that you enjoy his company, or that he’s much better looking than his picture (if you connected online). Best yet, simply tell him you’d like to see him again. Then, let him make the next move.
6.You shouldn’t feel any fear around this.
Worst case, if it’s not reciprocated, you’ll get over it and you will have helped him feel good about himself. It’s a great kindness to men. (Believe me, you’ll get past the minor rejection of a guy in line at the bank not returning your interest. You’ve overcome way worst things than that, right?) Best case, he’ll feel safe and welcome and go for it. He might end up being the hot man you spend your life with.
7.Doing the same thing you are doing now won’t work.
As you know, most things don’t just come to us. Otherwise, Mr. I Love You would be knocking on your door right now. The fact that you’re reading this tells me that this is challenging to you. Achieving difficult goals like this requires planning and overt effort.
Take what you’ve learned during Lisa’s fantastic 30 Day Get Out There Challenge, do the exercises and action steps; then create a game plan. It may be taking classes and reading books and blogs; calling the man who got away; asking friends to set you up; or making an appointment with a coach or therapist. But doing the same thing you are doing now won’t change anything. It will simply render the same result.
8.Take courageous action.
Having the awareness is only the beginning. Then you need to act on it to actually effect change and get what you want. As you do with other areas of your life, clearly define and vigorously pursue your goals of dating happily and finding your mate. This takes courage!!
Acknowledging that this is missing in your life, and that you really want it, can be incredibly scary and difficult. I lived it, and I don’t take it lightly. But the payoff is remarkable and, I believe, among the most wonderful things you can do for yourself in your lifetime. Because of this, there is a lot of room for disappointment and emotional upheaval. No matter, you want it; now go for it.
About The Expert
Bobbi Palmer is a dating and relationship coach, speaker, blogger, and author helping smart, independent women find meaningful love while enjoying the dating along the way. (She should know…she followed her own advice and married the man of her dreams at 47!) You can read her blog and take her Man-O-Meter Test at http://datelikeagrownup.com.
