Reconnect with the Ex? What You Need To Know Before You Give It Another Go
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on May 31, 2011 - 7:00 AM
After a relationship ends, it’s all too easy to second-guess the decision to split up. And while reconsidering doesn’t necessarily mean you should reunite, what happens if you and your ex DO decide you’d like to give the relationship another go? Maybe the time away from one another has shown you the error of your ways. Perhaps you’ve each had time to assess what went wrong and are now committed to a fresh start. Before you make the decision to reunite, review the following important factors. And revisit the benefits of bouncing back after a breakup.
1. Make sure you’re reuniting for the right reasons
Before you and your ex give Your Relationship, Part Two the green light, you’ll want to double check your intentions. Are you interested in getting back together because you love, respect, and genuinely want to make the relationship work, or are you simply lonely, confused, scared, or, worse, you just don’t like the dating prospects you’ve met so far as a savvy single? Worse still, have you discovered that your ex is moving on before you are and instead of letting them go, you now want to hold on for dear life? Before you make a hasty decision the two of you could live to regret, it’s essential that you both identify your reasons for reuniting. Do NOT reunite out of fear, scarcity, or loneliness. Those are natural reactions to a breakup. They are NOT signs you should get back together with your ex, nor are they signs that your ex was The One. Both of you need to believe that the relationship is worth salvaging and that you can make it work. Then – and only then – should you resuscitate your relationship.
2. Understand the odds against you
After the breakup, you may have put your ex on a pedestal, remembering the relationship through rose colored glasses. If you’ve got reuniting on your mind, you should know that the odds are stacked against you. After all, your relationship probably ended for a good reason. Reuniting won’t automatically fix what was wrong in the first place. The reality is, there were issues, problems, and traits your ex possessed that probably drove you nuts. Right about now, you may be in denial about that. But rest assured, once you reunite, those frustrations, annoyances, and/or challenges will come rushing back. And unless you and your ex find new approaches to dealing with old habits and patterns, you could easily end up exactly where you left off — at each other’s throats and ultimately broken up. Having said that, just because the odds aren’t in your favor does not mean you shouldn’t give the relationship another chance. You just need to be aware of the challenges involved — and the odds of success — in reviving a once-dead relationship.
3. Be willing to leave the past behind
Regardless of why you broke up in the past, if you and your ex intend to reunite, you’ve both got to be willing to leave the past behind. That doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting the past, but forgiving is essential. Otherwise, you’re doomed to relationship failure. If somebody cheated, lied, and/or betrayed the other one in any way, both partners have to be willing to forgive and make a fresh start. It’s the only way to make your second chance successful. Before you give the relationship another go, you need to have an honest and open conversation about whether or not the two of you can forgive one another. It may not be a fun conversation, but it’s an essential one to your future relationship success.
4. It takes two to tango (and make it work)
If you’ve assessed the reasons why you want to reunite, have weighed the odds against you, and still want to get back together, you need to make sure your ex is on the same page. This may be a difficult discussion to broach, but it’s a necessary one if you want to have a future together. After all, it takes two to tango, and both partners have to be equally committed to the dance. You won’t know until you sit down and have that honest and open conversation. You may not like the outcome, as the two of you may not see eye to eye about your future together. But it’s better to address the issues now and go your separate ways, than reunite and get your heart broken all over again.
Reviving a relationship with your ex can be tricky, but it’s not impossible. You both need to be equally committed, willing to forgive, and able to reconnect from a place of love and respect. While the odds may seem stacked against you, if you give it your best efforts, you may enjoy a healthier and happier relationship the second time around.
When in doubt, grab a copy of my breakup survival guides It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
And share YOUR stories of how reconnecting with your ex did or didn’t work out.
Ready to Find Love? Join my 30 Day Woohoo Challenge!
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 AM
The other night, I gave my final FREE call of the year on the subject of “Calling in the One.”
The response was so tremendous — my most popular call of the year — and I’ve received so much e-mail since then with follow-up questions,
comments, etc.
Thanks so much for your participation and questions!
Your feedback got me thinking…
It’s not enough to share these five success strategies that I implemented to call in my husband.
I want you to step in to action.
I want you to start implementing those success strategies, starting yesterday. 
I want to give you a 30 day challenge.
Are you up for it?
Here’s the deal.
The replay of my FREE call can be accessed here:
You can listen to it, enjoy it, and never change a thing.
OR…
You can step into action, join my challenge, and change what’s possible for you in the next 30 days.
It’s your decision.
I hope you’ll decide to join my challenge. Here’s how it’ll work:
Every day I’ll post an exercise or assignment based on the strategies I shared on the free call, PLUS more of the success strategies I share in
my e-book Bad Love No More, available @ http://badlovenomore.com/
I’ll post these videos on my Facebook fan page.
If you want to join the challenge, become my fan today.
Then every day you’ll enjoy my free video with your Woohoo! Action assignment for the day. These assignments may include…
- Talking to one cutie you don’t know that day
- Identify three to five target rich environments and put yourself in one that day
- Figuring out who you need to forgive and forgive them
- Creating your new love vocabulary
- Giving yourself permission to just have fun!
The goal of my 30 day challenge is to get you out of your comfort zone, step into action, and get ready to answer the question, “If he’s not the one, who is?”
By taking part in my 30 day action plan, you’ll be ready to call in love in 2010, and ready to dive into my brand new book If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right which will show you EXACTLY how to do that.
If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right isn’t available until January 18, 2010 so now’s the time to take action to get ready for your fabulous journey!
All you have to do to join my challenges this. Join my Facebook fan page NOW.
You’ll see my first video already posted. And stay tuned for more videos posted every day.
Leave me comments, let me know how you’re doing, and let me know what you think of the challenge.
And if you want a leg up on the challenge, get your copy of my e-book Bad Love No More, available @ http://badlovenomore.com/.
When you do, you’ll get some amazing bonuses from my fellow relationship experts absolutely free!
Here’s to your success!
Breaking Up, Facebook Style: Top 5 Mistakes People Make Following A Breakup
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 AM
There’s no denying it. Breaking up is oh-so hard to do, especially in today’s 24-hour techno-savvy world of Facebook, Twitter, and post-breakup booty calls arranged via sex-ting. If you’re nursing a broken heart, be sure to avoid these emotionally costly social networking mistakes…
Heartbreak Mistake #1: Do NOT stay connected to your ex on Facebook and Twitter
Yes, social networking has made keeping up with friends both near and far incredibly easy and convenient. What it’s also done is make healing a broken heart excruciatingly difficult. Whereas once upon a time, we risked getting caught if we drove by our ex’s house or dialed his digits and hung up when he answered, in today’s techno-savvy world we can cyberstalk our ex in our pajamas, from the safe glow of our computer screens, at 3 a.m. If you find yourself lurking on your ex’s social networking pages, keeping tabs on who he’s talking to and what he’s doing, you may need an intervention from your Boohoo Crew. Seriously, call one of them immediately and have them come over to exorcise your ex from your online life.
Heartbreak Mistake #2: Do NOT blog about the breakup on Facebook and Twitter
Okay, so maybe you’ve removed your ex from your face book friends. Now you’re in a new phase of post-breakup rage, a.k.a. ranting about your ex online to anyone who will listen/read. Here’s the problem with doing this. Breakup karma is a bitch. It will come around and smack you upside the head. Maybe not today, maybe not this year, but one day in the not-too-distant future you will be dating somebody new. Things will be going really well. And then he’ll discover your online rants about your ex, label you a psycho, and delete you from HIS Facebook friends. Do you really want to earn a reputation as the scary chick who goes off on her ex online? I didn’t think so.
Heartbreak Mistake #3: Do NOT expect your social network to take sides
Chances are, you’ve got a few hundred or a few thousand cyber friends. Let’s be clear. Cyber friends are not the same as real friends. Do not ask your cyber friends to take sides in your breakup. It’s childish, unreasonable, and makes you look incredibly petty. Instead, reach out to your Boohoo Crew. They’re allowed to take your side. In fact, invite them over for a night of ex bashing, blaming, and shaming in the comfort of your own home. You’re allowed to wallow. Just don’t do it online to your faux friends.
Heartbreak Mistake #4: Do NOT engage in e-venge
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And a scorned woman with 24/7 access to the internet? There’s no telling the damage she can do! But before you send your ex a computer virus, hack into his email and delete everything, or IM his boss with inappropriate inuendos, stop. Step away from the keyboard. And remember that while revenge fantasies are sweet, revenge realities can come with serious consequences. Just don’t do it.
Heartbreak Mistake #5: Don’t forget to password protect yourself
After a breakup, it’s essential to your online and offline security to change all of your passwords. You don’t want an angry ex lurking in your email, logging into your online banking, and wreaking havoc with your cyber security. Right here and now, password protect yourself by updating all your online passwords. You’ll thank me later!
So there you have it. The top 5 costly social networking mistakes following heartbreak. If you’re nursing a broken heart, be sure to protect your online security, maintain your dignity, and disconnect from your ex as much as possible.
Want more tips about how to ex-orcise your ex, heal your heart, and move on, get my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
Got a question for me? Want to know how to heal your heart in record time? Email ask@lisasteadman.com.
It’s A Breakup, Not A Breakdown: How to heal your heart in just 21 days
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on May 30, 2011 - 7:00 AM
Conventional wisdom says it takes just 21 days to establish a new habit. So what if that new habit involves getting over a breakup? Is it possible to exorcise your ex, clear your head, and heal your heart in just 3 weeks? In my workbook It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him, I walk you step by step through your breakup recovery. Here’s a day-by-day breakdown of the fun, fearlessness, and fabulousness you’ll experience:
Day 1: Throw a pity party for one
Turn off your cell, call in sick to work, and slip into your best PJs (No sweats for you, Sister. You’re pining away in style!). Stock up on chocolate, Cheetos, and Kleenex. Spend the day crying, emotionally eating, and watching Sex & the City reruns. Go ahead — give yourself permission to embrace your inner drama queen!
Day 2: Live in denial for a day
Okay, you’ve had a good cry and the breakup still stings. Before you announce your breakup to the world, spend a day in denial. Pretend the breakup never happened. Act as if your ex never gave you the ax (or vice versa). Better yet — pretend your ex never existed!
Day 3: Delete your ex from your online (and offline) life
Like it or not, the breakup did happen and unfortunately your ex still exists. Today’s the day to build an impenetrable fortress around your heart so that your ex cannot break it again. Delete his phone number from your cell phone, his email address from your contacts, his profile from all your social networking sites. And if he calls, emails, or stops by to check up on you? Screen that call, delete his email (without even reading it), and hide under the covers, pretending nobody’s home.
Day 4: Widow for a day
Now that your ex is out of your life, it’s time to mourn the death of your relationship. Go ahead, Girl. Slip into your finest black ensemble, open a new box of tissues, and let the waterworks begin. Today, you’re writing a last will and testament (bequeathing his morning breath to him while keeping your joint CD collection), performing a eulogy, and dancing on your ex’s freshly dug grave!
Day 5: Get mad
You’ve had time to mourn the bastard. Now it’s time to shake off the gloom and get pissed. If you’re up to it, gather your girlfriends and throw an ex-boyfriend bash complete with photo burning, letter ripping, voodoo doll torture, etc. Or, if you’d rather get pissed in private, throw a solo ex b.f. bash. It’s your prerogative!
Day 6: Get bitter, then get better
At this delicate post-breakup stage, bitterness is your new best friend. By being bitter, you’re harnessing your pain and using it for good, i.e. exorcising your ex. If you haven’t already, start journaling and/or blogging about the breakup. Go ahead – get in touch with your breakup bitterness!
Day 7: Get even
And because nothing helps a girl through her post-breakup pain quite like getting even, it’s time to start scheming. Make a list of all your ex’s dirty little secrets and plot various ways to expose them. Put your pinky to your lips and let out an evil cackle as you indulge in fantasies about how your ex’s life will be ruined once you’ve spilled his secrets. (Don’t worry – you won’t actually engage any of these risky revenge fantasies!)
Day 8: Announce your breakup
Now that you’re in touch with your post-breakup rage, it’s time to tell the world all the dishy details. Call and/or email your friends and vent about your ex and the breakup. Don’t stop there — go online and update your social networking profile(s) with your newly single status. You can even let off some steam by sharing your story on a breakup message board. This is one time when airing your dirty laundry in public is the right thing to do (just don’t name names!).
Day 9: Disappear for a day
Just as you wish your ex would disappear, today’s the day to create your own missing persons report. Call in sick to work, pack a backpack full of goodies, and get lost for the day — without your cell phone. From getting back to nature with a day at the beach, lake, or park to museum or movie hopping, pick an activity that soothes your soul and then get lost.
Day 10: Reclaim your space
Now that you’re getting used to the idea that the breakup actually happened, it’s time to exorcise your ex from your home. You’ll want to make a clean sweep, gathering any remaining evidence of his existence (photos, clothes, shampoo, etc.). Put all his leftover stuff in a box and put the box in your car. You can decide later whether to burn it, donate it, or sell it on eBay. Once the exorcism is complete, it’s time to give your home a much-needed makeover. Paint the walls vibrant colors, rearrange the furniture, celebrate your inner girly girl!
Day 11: The Halfway Hump Slump
Now that you’re halfway through your detox, you may be feeling a little disoriented. Today’s the day to identify any remaining toxins in your system, as well as make a plan for purging the leftover demons.
Day 12: Dump your slump
Channel your inner super heroine and dump that post-breakup slump! Say sayonara to the past and yes to your fab future, sans What’s his name. Whether you know it or not, your reinvention is under way!
Day 13: Take a flying leap
Remember that fabulously fun and fierce girl your ex fell in love with? Now’s the time to reconnect with her. Look in the mirror and just say hi. Ask her how she’s doing. Find out what she feels like doing today and then no matter how self-indulgent it is, do it. It’s time to take that flying leap into your future!
Day 14: Plan a girl getaway
The absolute best thing about going through a breakup is the opportunity to reconnect with old friends. After all, boyfriends come and go but girlfriends are forever. And now’s the time to celebrate your girlfriends with a Girl Getaway or Ladies Night out — you decide. Wherever you end up going, give yourself permission to be a little risqué. Wear something revealing. Flirt with a total stranger. Tip your waiter 25% AND slip him your phone number. Behaving inappropriately for a night can be so liberating!
Day 15: Get a post-breakup makeover
Right about now you just might feel like you’re hitting your saucy post-breakup stride. If so, fabulous! If not, don’t despair. Today’s the day to celebrate your resilience by getting a much-needed movin’ on makeover. Get glam with a new cut, color, & highlights. Stop by your fave boutique and shop til you drop. Make an appointment at the makeup counter and get a new look.
Day 16: Reinvent yourself
Whether you know it or not, a brand-new you is emerging. It’s up to you to make room for her transformation. Today’s the day to let down your hair, shake your inner goddess loose, and let the REAL reinvention begin!
Day 17: Shake up your routine
Even though your ex is long gone, memories of him may still linger. Now’s the time to shake up your routine in hopes of shaking those memories loose. Take a different route to and from work today. Shop at a different grocery store for a day. Get your latte at a new coffee place. It’s time to shake things up as you ease into movin’ on mode!
Day 18: Start a healthy new habit
Since the split, you’ve been getting healthier by the day. Today is no exception. In fact, you’re gonna rock it even harder today by starting a healthy new habit. Whether it’s eating more vegetables, getting back to the gym, quitting smoking, or practicing positive affirmations, today’s the day to introduce a healthy new habit to your daily routine.
Day 19: Enroll in Single U
While it may be too soon to start searching for your next great love, it’s never too soon to embrace successful singledom. Sign up for a singles event. Enlist a friend to take some cute pics of you and then create your online dating profile. Flirt with a cute stranger today. Do whatever it takes to remind yourself that you’re still lovable and desirable.
Day 20: An ex marks the plot
Now that you’ve got a little breakup perspective, are you able to see how life after Mr. Ex is going to be so much sweeter? You have a better idea of what you’re looking for in a future partner, you now know what you won’t put up with, and you’ve probably even thought about new directions you’d like to pursue now that you’re on your own again.
Day 21: Celebrate your success
After 21 days, do you feel lighter, stronger, healthier? Now is the time to celebrate by throwing yourself a fabulous movin’ on party. Invite your Boo-hoo Crew-turned-Woo-hoo Crew and party like it’s 2009!
Got questions about how you can heal your heart in just 21 days? Email ask@lisasteadman.com.
Breakup Behavior to Avoid: How to Keep Your Breakup from Becoming a Breakdown
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 AM
Like the old song says breaking up is hard to do. But you don’t have to have a total breakdown. Instead, adhere to the following post-breakup Do’s and Don’ts and you’ll be healing your broken heart in no time:
Don’t: Call, email, or maintain any other contact with your ex. It’s just not healthy for your recovery. Instead, use this post-breakup time to focus on yourself and your own healing.
Do: Create a support group of friends (a.k.a. your Boo-Hoo Crew) who can help you through your post breakup recovery.
Don’t: Spend too much time obsessing about what went wrong, how things could have been different, or continue to ask yourself Why?
Do: Accept that the breakup has happened, give yourself time to heal, and allow yourself to mourn the loss (a.k.a. celebrate your slump).
Don’t: Engage in risky post-breakup behavior including rebounding and revenge (it will just cloud your vision and/or result in legal action).
Do: Take all that post-breakup rage and channel it into positive, healthy outlets. Join a gym and kickbox your rage away. You’ll look and feel better in no time! Instead of trashing your ex’s stuff, why not donate it to a homeless shelter? He still loses out on his Little League trophies, favorite blue shirt, etc. but someone else – someone in need – benefits!
Don’t: Lose yourself in misery. While it’s okay to celebrate your slump, the time will come when you’ll want to dump your slump, which is why you can’t get caught up in the post-breakup blues. Give yourself time to feel the pain, but then give yourself permission to move on.
Do: See your breakup for what it really is – a chance to learn some important life lessons, celebrate your resilience, and eventually meet someone new (someone better suited for you who would have gone unmet had the breakup never happened).
For hands on help getting through your breakup, grab copies of my survival manifestos It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
For added support, join my Facebook Fan page here:
http://www.facebook.com/LisaSteadmanFans
Are Bad Love Habits Keeping You Single?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 AM
In the search for love, it’s all too easy to get sidetracked by bad dates, broken hearts, and bad love habits. And while bad dates and broken hearts are part of the journey toward happily ever after, bad love habits can and should be avoided at all costs.
So what’s a bad love habit? Any dysfunctional, destructive, difficult belief or habit you have towards love and relationships that’s keeping you from finding, attracting, and/or maintaining a healthy relationship. The following are some common bad love habits:
* Do you choose potential partners who are incapable of meeting your emotional needs?
* Do you think love have to be difficult, painful, and/or hard?
* Do you think your potential partner is going to fix whatever it is that you don’t like about yourself or your life?
* Do you believe time is running out on your search for love and/or your chance to have children?
If any of the above sound familiar, don’t worry. You’re not a lost cause. In fact, with a little time and effort, you can turn things around! What follows are five simple and effective tips and techniques geared towards helping you break free of limiting relationship beliefs and bad love habits. Practiced over time, you can and will kick any bad love habit — for good!
Identify the dating traps you’re stuck in
Think you’ve got to miraculously solve all your problems before you’ll be deserving of love? Convinced there are no good men left? Or do you believe that Mr. Right will one day swoop in and magically save you from your life? If any or all of the above sound familiar, chances are good that you suffer from some common dating traps. In order to become a successful single, you first need to free yourself from these traps. Acknowledging the traps you’re stuck in is the first step. Next, you’ve got to break free of these traps, as well as any other limiting or destructive beliefs that are keeping you stuck.
Assess your excess baggage
It’s important to get really honest with yourself about what you might be lugging around with you on dates (or in life in general). What are you holding onto that no longer serves you? Rejection, disappointment, betrayal? This is from your past, NOT your present or future. If you’ve got negative or destructive beliefs or fears weighing you down, you owe it to yourself to dump that excess baggage – and move on!
Dump your excess baggage
In order to manifest Mr. Right and the happily ever after future you deserve, you first need to believe you deserve to be happy. Gather those painful memories, that chip on your shoulder, any residual anger from past relationship experiences, and tell them they’ve got to go. Thank them for the lessons you’ve learned and tell them that it’s now time for you to stand on your own two feet. In your mind’s eye, give them the heave ho! Next, start visualizing the kind of life you want to have, complete with your dream job, perfect partner, ideal home, etc. By getting clear about what you want, you give yourself permission to attract it.
Stop putting off your life and/or personal happiness
So many of us put off personal happiness waiting for some external result like “I’ll be happy when I lose weight, when I pay off my debts, when I get a better job,” etc. The truth is, you deserve to enjoy your fabulously imperfect life right this very minute! When you stop putting off happiness, you start attracting happy people, healthy relationships, exciting and new opportunities. Instead of postponing joy until your life is magically perfect, today’s the day to start celebrating the joy in your everyday life.
Embrace a new dating vocabulary
Now that you’re baggage light and dating trap-free, it’s time to introduce a new vocabulary to your dating belief system. Every morning and night for 30 days, practice the following exercise: Say to yourself “Love/dating/my ideal relationship is …” and then fill in the blank with the appropriate words. (Words like healthy, whole, loving, fun, etc.) By creating a new vocabulary for yourself, you may be surprised at how your outlook on dating and relationships changes, and as a result, you’ll start attracting happier and healthier potential partners. Love that!
Want to know more about the bad love habits that may be keeping you stuck? Check out my e-book Bad Love No More: How to kick limiting relationship beliefs to the curb and say yes to real and lasting love!, available now at http://www.badlovenomore.com/
Ready to manifest Mr. Right? Pick up a copy of my new book If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right.
Breakups 101: Letting Go Of Your Old Self
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on May 29, 2011 - 7:00 AM
Are you feeling hung up on your ex?
Paralyzed and not sure how to move on?
Wondering if you’ll ever find love again?
Stop.
It’s time to set yourself free.
In order to heal and move on after heartbreak, your first order of business is to ask yourself what aspects of the old you no longer work. Keep in mind that your mission is not to launch a personal attack on your psyche. Rather, this is an opportunity to examine who you used to be and who you’re slowly but surely becoming, along the way identifying any old behaviors, beliefs, and/or personality traits that may be holding you back. Things you may want to leave behind include:
1. Limiting beliefs about love and relationships
2. Low self-esteem that inhibits your personal development
3. Deep seated fears that forecast a bleak future
4. Walls and/or boundaries you put up to keep people out but ultimately leave you isolated and unhappy
By letting go of what no longer works, you take yet another step towards your bright future. So go ahead, ask the question:
What is it about my past self that no longer works?
Make a list of at least ten things. The more thorough you are in this exercise, the better. If you need help getting started, feel free to borrow from the following sample list, as it applies to you.
What is it about my past self that no longer works?
1. I was too needy with my ex (and in every other relationship, too)
2. I didn’t feel like I could be myself around my ex and his friends
3. I have a bad habit of throwing temper tantrums when I don’t get my way
4. Everyone I know is miserable and unhappy, so I’m doomed to be miserable and unhappy, too
5. I’m afraid I’m too screwed up to have a good relationship
Once you’ve made your list, review it. Pay special attention to how many items on the list relate to your ex as well as how many issues you’re still holding onto because of your ex, thinking there’s still value in being defined by them or him. The truth is, it doesn’t matter who you were with what’s his name. What matters is who you want to become now that you’re free to be your most authentic self. That’s one of the gifts your breakup gave you — the opportunity to become the real you.
Look at the list again. How many items on the list relate to low self-esteem or limited beliefs about what you deserve in life and love? There are probably at least one or two. Whether you know it or not, the only thing standing between you and the beautiful/amazing life you deserve is your future belief system. Your past beliefs don’t matter. Your new set of beliefs can be whatever you want and need them to be. You, too, can be whomever you want and need to be. The only thing stopping you is, well, you. Today, get out of your own way and embrace a healthy and happy new belief system.
For help with this exercise, pick up a copy of my book If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right.
Reconnect with the Ex? What You Need To Know Before You Give It Another Go
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 AM
After a relationship ends, it’s all too easy to second-guess the decision to split up. And while reconsidering doesn’t necessarily mean you should reunite, what happens if you and your ex DO decide you’d like to give the relationship another go? Maybe the time away from one another has shown you the error of your ways. Perhaps you’ve each had time to assess what went wrong and are now committed to a fresh start. Before you make the decision to reunite, review the following important factors. And revisit the benefits of bouncing back after a breakup.
1. Make sure you’re reuniting for the right reasons
Before you and your ex give Your Relationship, Part Two the green light, you’ll want to double check your intentions. Are you interested in getting back together because you love, respect, and genuinely want to make the relationship work, or are you simply lonely, confused, scared, or, worse, you just don’t like the dating prospects you’ve met so far as a savvy single? Worse still, have you discovered that your ex is moving on before you are and instead of letting them go, you now want to hold on for dear life? Before you make a hasty decision the two of you could live to regret, it’s essential that you both identify your reasons for reuniting. Do NOT reunite out of fear, scarcity, or loneliness. Those are natural reactions to a breakup. They are NOT signs you should get back together with your ex, nor are they signs that your ex was The One. Both of you need to believe that the relationship is worth salvaging and that you can make it work. Then – and only then – should you resuscitate your relationship.
2. Understand the odds against you
After the breakup, you may have put your ex on a pedestal, remembering the relationship through rose colored glasses. If you’ve got reuniting on your mind, you should know that the odds are stacked against you. After all, your relationship probably ended for a good reason. Reuniting won’t automatically fix what was wrong in the first place. The reality is, there were issues, problems, and traits your ex possessed that probably drove you nuts. Right about now, you may be in denial about that. But rest assured, once you reunite, those frustrations, annoyances, and/or challenges will come rushing back. And unless you and your ex find new approaches to dealing with old habits and patterns, you could easily end up exactly where you left off — at each other’s throats and ultimately broken up. Having said that, just because the odds aren’t in your favor does not mean you shouldn’t give the relationship another chance. You just need to be aware of the challenges involved — and the odds of success — in reviving a once-dead relationship.
3. Be willing to leave the past behind
Regardless of why you broke up in the past, if you and your ex intend to reunite, you’ve both got to be willing to leave the past behind. That doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting the past, but forgiving is essential. Otherwise, you’re doomed to relationship failure. If somebody cheated, lied, and/or betrayed the other one in any way, both partners have to be willing to forgive and make a fresh start. It’s the only way to make your second chance successful. Before you give the relationship another go, you need to have an honest and open conversation about whether or not the two of you can forgive one another. It may not be a fun conversation, but it’s an essential one to your future relationship success.
4. It takes two to tango (and make it work)
If you’ve assessed the reasons why you want to reunite, have weighed the odds against you, and still want to get back together, you need to make sure your ex is on the same page. This may be a difficult discussion to broach, but it’s a necessary one if you want to have a future together. After all, it takes two to tango, and both partners have to be equally committed to the dance. You won’t know until you sit down and have that honest and open conversation. You may not like the outcome, as the two of you may not see eye to eye about your future together. But it’s better to address the issues now and go your separate ways, than reunite and get your heart broken all over again.
Reviving a relationship with your ex can be tricky, but it’s not impossible. You both need to be equally committed, willing to forgive, and able to reconnect from a place of love and respect. While the odds may seem stacked against you, if you give it your best efforts, you may enjoy a healthier and happier relationship the second time around.
When in doubt, grab a copy of my breakup survival guides It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
And share YOUR stories of how reconnecting with your ex did or didn’t work out.
Watch Lisa on the Raw & Real Show with The Ray’s Sierra Sullivan
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 AM
This week, I had the pleasure of hanging with The Ray’s Sierra Sullivan. Watch our uStream chat where we dished on Sex, The Ex, and What’s Next!
Boohoo Crew 101: After A Breakup, Ditch Your Ex And Call In The Professionals!
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on May 28, 2011 - 10:01 PM
To successfully survive and thrive after a breakup, savvy breakup survivors know that they can’t heal and move on without a little help from their friends. And that’s where the Boohoo Crew comes in. Part cheerleader, part therapist, your Boohoo Crew should be reliable, patient, and consist of at least three friends for round-the-clock supervision and support.
The role of the Boohoo Crew is to provide the following:
- A shoulder to cry on
- A voice of reason
- Damage control (in case you get the urge to contact your ex)
- The bright side
Tips for assembling the perfect Boohoo Crew
Not everyone’s cut out to be a Boohoo Crew member. It’s important to recruit only those friends who are up to the challenge. While assembling your crew, keep the following considerations in mind:
- Include only those friends who are loving and supportive.
- Exclude any so-called friends who might say things like “I told you so,” brag about their own relationship, or ask if they can call your ex (in fact, dump these “friends” immediately!).
- Do not include any mutual friends who might report back to your ex on your progress (and/or dish about your setbacks).
The Boohoo Crew code of honor
During your slump, your Boohoo Crew should be available 24/7. It may sound like a tremendous commitment, but that’s what friends are for. You’d do it for them (if you haven’t already). And let’s face it: There are times in life when you have to sleep in shifts. This just happens to be one of those times.
There are also going to be times when you’ll obsess about your ex, times when you’ll want your ex back, and times when all you can think about is picking up the phone and calling your ex. These are the times when you should rely on your Boohoo Crew for support. You’ll want to choose friends who know you well enough to know when you need comfort versus when you need a kick in the pants. Friends who can remind you of the nitpicky negative things you once said about your ex that you’re going to forget when you’re wishing you two were still together. Your Boohoo Crew should always know (and be able to remind you) why your ex wasn’t good for you then, and why he or she is definitely not worth pining over now.
When we’re in post-breakup mode, some of us have trouble reaching out to others. We think asking for help is a sign of weakness, but it’s not. It’s a show of strength. So go out there and recruit the best Boohoo Crew ever! (Right now.)
To kick start your healing process, be sure to pick up my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
Got a question about how to get over your ex? Email ask@lisasteadman.com.
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